Needless to say, the presence of porn in the silver anniversary of an elementary in a small quiet town pretty much killed everyone’s mood. Embarrassed by the whole fiasco, the principal of the school promised a full blown investigation. He claimed that it was the biggest scandal in Okotoks history and he was not going to allow this incident to become just another cold case.

Principal Ned Simpson was actually on hand when the school first opened. He had started out in Okotoks Elementary as an English teacher, priding himself as a lover of all forms of conventional communication. One glaring exception of course, was porn. “The only thing that these movies communicate is the acceptance of indecency” said the extremely incensed principal. “This may have been the work of a delinquent student who thought it would be funny to tarnish this great academic institution’s reputation. It may have happened 25 years ago, but I will find the culprit and bring him to justice.”

Simpson has a list of suspects comprising of the students who he deemed had “severe attitude problems” and were enrolled in the school at the time. The major contributors to the contents of the time capsules were students. Each of the students newly enrolled students to put one thing that they want the world of the future to see. It was clear, however, that one person wanted to display that something will always remain constant in the world, and that’s pornography.

Simpson claims that none of the teachers then, who supervised the student’s contribution, can possibly be the culprit. “There is no chance that any of my esteemed faculty members could have done it. I know each and every one of them, and the majority of them are still employed here in this institution. It’s unlikely that any one of them could have done it. It’s definitely a student.”

Simpson is currently conducting deep interrogations on the teachers who were there on that fateful day, trying to gather more information on the possible suspects. Simpson vows that he will not stop until this grave error has been corrected.

For aspiring performers, there are highly intensive acting workshops available to suit the various levels of acting necessary to make it and take it in porn. From basic acting to a full blown course on how to properly react when being gang banged by four or more guys, the PSA promises that students will graduate fully equipped to handle the pressure of appearing on camera. For those who are more inclined to peek behind the curtain and unravel the secrets behind porn movie magic, a competitive porn filmmaking course is offered. Students will get the best technical and aesthetic education about making an effective porn movie, using only the top of the line porn making equipment. For the natural storyteller, a porn screenwriting workshop is offered, with the students’ scripts having a realistic chance to be produced into an actual movie. Learn to weave intricate tales and create larger than life yet still relatable characters who spout off witty banter from the top writers in the business.

For the entrepreneurial soul, a crash course of adult film production is offered. Be a big shot producer and learn how to work the typical porn film budget, acquire locations and audition talent. Other minor courses include porn lighting, porn art direction, porn FX and sound design and basic sex toy troubleshooting. Develop all the special skills necessary to carve your own path in the world of adult film!

“The world of film is not unlike the rest of the real world” said PSA founder Mark Jizzon. “A good education and a complete and thorough training will always give an individual a clear advantage over the rest of his or her peers. We at the PSA believe that only through our rigid training would better help aspiring porn people have that edge over the very stiff competition. Our students can definitely stick it to their rivals.”

Downloading porn had become somewhat of a habit for Rob. He’d come in and wait for his boss to grab lunch. He then hit the net and fill his download queue with his favorite adult films. Since his boss always asks Rob to go on overtime, (something that Rob has truly come to despise) Rob had an opportunity to take the finished downloads and copy them to his own personal disk. Rob’s passive aggressive brand of rebellion has gone on for weeks. Rob was beginning to get drunk on his own power. He felt he was untouchable, and he took up the shenanigans another notch. With his own personal hard drive getting full of porn, he had to stash the new downloads somewhere until he managed to come up with enough money to buy a new hard rive with bigger memory. For all of Rob’s shortcomings, he had been very adamant against theft, so the thought of just stealing a hard drive from a computer shop that gets more than its fair share of shoplifters never occurred to him. He did not, however, have any qualms about “borrowing” items.

In the backroom of the store lay a box of hard disk drives that had been sitting there for months. Any hope that these items would be sold had long ago been destroyed. So Rob, trusted employee that he is, decided to store an adult movie or two in each of the drives, secure in the knowledge that nothing would ever happen.

As Rob was on his day off, Mr. Lance had a very novel idea to save the store form dwindling sales. The store had a very special sale wherein anyone who buys a computer gets a brand new free extra hard disk drive. Needless to say all of Rob’s secret stash had been disposed. Once Rob came back to work and discovered what happened, he nearly had a panic attack, but decided to remain silent. He thought that the people would not mind getting a free porn movie with their purchase.

He was right, or course. People did not mind the porn. What they did mind was purchasing something that was advertised as “new” only to find out that it was not the case. Rob is now unemployed and facing legal action.

The majority of the residents of the small town make it a point to go to the local Catholic Church every Sunday morning. Nearly all of the townspeople show up for this mass that holding a second mass have been deemed unnecessary. Every Sunday morning, the peaceful St. Kevin folk sing and pray as one community. On one particular Sunday morning though, things have changed forever. An unknown individual had somehow infiltrated the church’s secured video projector and programmed it to transit the footage of two of the town’s resident’s doing the insidious act of fornicating over the Internet for all the town’s folk to see.

The participants of the vile sex act were in attendance of that same Mass, and the two endured several minutes of the entire town’s disdain. The scandal has the entire town in an uproar, and the mysterious identity of the person who had projected their images in the church has yet to be discovered. There have been a few suspects in the couple’s mind.

“I think it’s that creepy guy from the store” claimed Sally May, the once virginal girl next door. He’s always just outside the store, leering at me whenever I come by to pick up the groceries.” One problem with this theory is that the aforementioned weirdo, Lloyd, is not competent enough to pull off something even close to the scale of what was done to Sally May and her lover, Tom.

Everyone is assuming that the incident was nothing but a prank by the local computer whiz kids. “If it is a prank it’s a pretty sick one” said Tom. “That was a private between me and Sally May. No one had a right to do what they did. I don’t care who it is that did it. Once I find him, or her, or them, I will personally put them through as much humiliation as they put me and Sally May through.”

Of course, all the songs will be altered to suit the taste of the loyal porn fans, and the producers promise that they will not sacrifice the quality of the sex scenes in favor of the elaborate musical numbers. Tentatively titled “Tits, Bangers and Mash”, the project has been receiving a lot of favorable comments within the industry. Porn critic Larry Orlane had nothing but good things to say. “What they’re doing is nothing but admirable. A musical shemale porn movie is something that this industry needs to keep with the other forms of entertainment out there that are definitely stealing away some of the attention that should rightfully be devoted to porn. And if there’s anyone who can pull this off, it’s these awesome shemales.”

The movie also promises that some of their favorite shemale related songs will be used to get the audience truly into the spirit of things. From Aerosmith’s “Dude Looks Like a Lady” to a lady-less rendition of “Lady Marmalade”, the movie hopes to be at par with several gay related musicals, like “Rent”.

The critic continues with his premature assessment. “I truly believe that this will be the best thing in porn since the award winning ‘Pirates’. It is the porn event of the year, at the very least. I definitely will be among the first to pick it up once it’s out.”

“Tits, Bangers and Mash” will be set in an imaginary world wherein people can only have orgasms if they have sex while singing out loud. Contrived as the plot may be, many people are interested to see how a shemale sex scene would look while the stars that are doing the sex scene are simultaneously singing and dancing. With the current slant towards the musical genre, “Tits, Bangers and Mash” is definitely a can’t lose revolutionary project.

The argument started when the lovely adult film star started an innocent flirtation with the waiter, who was an underaged pimple-faced high school student. The boyfriend did not take kindly to the suggestive manner his girl had asked for a milkshake. The rather promiscuous young woman then followed it up by asking the waiter what he thought about her “milkshake” and if it indeed does “bring all the boys to the yard”. This did not sit well with the boyfriend, who verbally assaulted the already speechless waiter mercilessly. One could only expect spit burgers in the boyfriend’s immediate future. After successfully shooing away the waiter, the irate boyfriend turn his attention to the teen starlet. He was demanding an explanation as to why she “always had to flirt with someone who had something remotely resembling a cock”.

The young woman was aghast and apologetic, stating that the nature of her occupation did not afford her many other methods of interacting with the opposite sex. She mentioned that he should just accept that and move on, that he should just take her as she truly was or find someone else. These well intentioned but short sighted comments made matters worse. The boyfriend went on a tirade as to how one must make sacrifices and adjustments to make a relationship work. H delivered this argument with an increasing volume. It wasn’t long until the people in the diner were taking significant notice to the couple’s spat.

When the manager politely approached them about potentially ruining the other customers’ dining experience, he was greeted with a chorus of middle fingers ad carefully worded insults from the couple, each with a colorful remark that the manager will never forget for a long time. The manager then summoned security, one big guy named Rudy, to escort the couple out of the premises. The couple showed the same amount of disrespect to the security officer, pointing out hat he “looked like a constipated ape” in his uniform. The couple were so into it that their words have managed to reduce the manager, the guard, and a few other customers who had tried to join the fray to tears.

The couple had made up afterwards, but the incident will never be forgotten by everyone in attendance.

“It’s high time that everyone know how important these porn videos are in our lives” chimed in a loyal fan of bizarre porn. “Notice how the two girls one cup video earned its rightful place in mainstream media? Bizarre porn videos are ingrained in the minds of every true porn fanatic. It’s everyone’s guilty pleasure. We all want to go and see the weirdest shit they could wrap their minds around of. This would be a true tribute to everyone who really loves the art of porn.”

Regarding the criteria for judging which bizarre videos are a cut above the rest of the materials available on the ‘net, we sought the opinion of one porn veteran who also anxiously awaits the awards show. ”I think the one that carries with it the most potential for psychologically damaging the viewer enough that his or her everyday living is forever altered. It’s all about impact. If it doesn’t drive you crazy, it’s mostly not even bizarre enough to warrant attention. A truly bizarre video grabs everyone’s attention like a kick in the balls.”

The event is rumored to star former adult film star turned b-movie actress Tracy Lords. There will be several guests throughout the show, and the guest list is reportedly as bizarre as the nominated videos themselves. From Carrot Top to Ben Affleck, the guest list reads like a who’s who of the most unrelated people ever assembled in one space. The you porn Bizarre porn Awards night promises to be a three hour mind fuck that everyone would definitely enjoy. Another fan offered his insight. “I believe it’s going to be the best night in the history of the porn industry. When regular porn came out, everyone viewed it as outlandish and wild, bizarre even. But, now, it’s all considered the norm. Bizarre porn videos are the future of the entire industry, so I’m glad that these videos that are mostly known for novelty are getting something more. They will open up nothing but good things for the entire porn industry.”

The scene that was just described is an excerpt from the new underground literary masterpiece from 23 year old creative genius Matthew Stokes. His book, entitled “The Adult Movie Conspiracy”, is a riveting tale about a group of men who try to take over the world with the use of one porn video. This unpublished tale has many publishers abuzz, and its writer is flanked by offers. Stokes, surprisingly, is not quite ready to unleash his masterpiece on the printed paper.

“I just had a few of my book club friends read it” said Stokes. “As much as I loved their comments, both positive and negative, I think it still needs a bit of a tweak. There’s something still yet missing for me to be completely satisfied with my work.”

Stokes is a rather well known amateur writer, who has more than a dozen unfinished books under his belt. A literary teacher in a community college in the Midwest, Stokes is a truly gifted writer who just has trouble finishing what he starts. “Whenever a new idea comes into my mind, I often go ahead and start writing it immediately before the inspiration leaves me. That is why I’ve got a bunch of novels that I can no longer finish.”

It’s that touch and go enthusiasm that have destroyed the potential of thousands of other artists, but this does not bother Stokes one bit. “I don’t really care if I get published or not. As long as I’m writing, I’m happy. If people like what I read, then I’m happy. I don’t really feel the need to earn a living off the one thing I love most. Just doing it is enough of a fulfillment.”

Currently, “The Adult Movie Conspiracy” is turning a lot of heads, and the constant urging by peers may be enough for Stokes to try and actually finish the book.

His face, though hidden behind an iron mask he had fashioned to hide is damaged countenance, conveyed the authority that was carried by his words. There was a hush among the country folk, and the people watching on TV in their homes — as they are required to, waited with baited breath as their ruler began speaking. “Online porn” he hissed. “It is despicable! I did not gather my resources to save this decrepit land only to have it fall into degeneracy! There are values that I strongly uphold, and make no mistake, this nation is my house! You are all under the roof that I have built and you shall all face doom if you have violated the rules of my house!”

The dictators voiced boomed over the country. A dreaded silence fell over the nation. The dropping of a pin would reverberate and break everyone’s ear drums upon impact on the ground. The voice of one young man then, deafened everyone but the dictator himself. “But.. it’s all we have…” the boy said while sweating bullets.

Seconds of tense silence fell over the citizens. The monarch stared at the young man with a glaring intensity. Then he spoke the two words that would forever ring in the mind of the young man. “Seize him.” From there, a small army of mechanized soldiers forcibly took the boy and brought him to the furious dictator. He was kneeling and gritting his teeth with increasing fury as well. “Who are you?” the dictator asked, eyes never leaving the young man’s angry face. The young man met his gaze bravely.

“I am but a simple accountant, with dreams of one day relishing the fruits of the loins of a beautiful woman not unlike those found in the videos.” A tear slowly rolled down his cheek. He knew it was the end, and he refused to accept redemption by denouncing the videos.

A surge of energy from the dictator’s gauntlet dashed the young man’s dreams forever.

“I’m not a selfish man, and I know the world needs a lot of good writers out there who are just like myself, so I’m willing to share the secret to my success. It’s porn.” he said with a smile. “Plain and simple. Porn just takes me to a comfortable place where I am able to do what I do best at my very best. My writing has been so much better after I’ve discovered the effects of porn to my creativity. It helped me get my big break, and landed me one of the screenwriter’s position in the movie Jury Duty. Do you remember that? The one with Pauly Shore? Those were some good stuff.”

Since Jury Duty, the writer has worked on some of the other Pauly Shore movies, all now considered to be classics. “I believe that as a writer, you are unstoppable once you find out what method works for you. I have friends that would write in the shower, or write in graveyards or cemeteries to boost their imaginations. Me? I just need a DVD of hot chicks getting it on with sex toys and I’m good to go.”

When asked about Internet porn, the writer merely shrugged. “It’s good that there’s a vast resource of porn out there for my consumption, but I don’t use it. Not because I’m a traditionalist or something. It’s just that I write while I watch porn, and when I write I use my laptop. If, however, my next project pushes through, I might be able to afford a separate computer that’s strictly for porn purposes.”

His next project is reportedly a sequel to the classic early 90s horror movie “The Seventh Sign”. Lou Diamond Phillips is set to reprise his lead role in the movie, and Pauly Shore will be added to the cast as Phillips’ quirky sidekick.