The Porn Pay-Per-View Network

Justice is best served cold by people who just happen to be hot. A renegade task force of crime fighters have assembled to fight the porn crimes that plague the industry. Composed exclusively of porn models, this unit is created to fight all those that threaten the peace and the noble craft of adult filmaking. The team is comprised of seven porn stars who each have a special skill to contribute in the fight against porn crime.

Many people would wonder what sort of crime happens within the supposedly happy go lucky porn set. What people fail to realize is that like the rest of the world, the porn set is abundant with dangers and suspicious characters. There are peeping toms that are always lurking around to invade the privacy of our porn stars. There are people who wish to steal bootlegs for a quick buck. And then there are perverts who steal used panties and other used porn set paraphernalia.

While the identities of these crime fighters remain secret for the safety of their loved ones, they have made it public that they will not show any remorse when apprehending and stopping felons. “There was a time when I would feel uncomfortable whenever I’m in a porn set” said porn star Tina Jizzguzzlerwitz. “I used to always be a nervous wreck whenever I walk in a porn set because of the knowledge that there troublemakers who are looking to take advantage. But when I heard of these vigilantes, no, when I heard of these heroes, I now come to work with confidence.”

The normal M.O. for these crime fighters is to catch their bad guy, tie him or her up and leave the criminal with a ball gag in the mouth and a strap on up the ass for all the world to see. This has been their calling card ever since catching their first criminal, the pervert named Trevor Von Hooverstamp. Hooverstamp claims he cannot identify his assailants. His eyes were fixed on their huge boobs and hanging dicks. It was learned that Von Hooverstamp was caught sneaking in at a closed shoot.

“And I would have gotten away too, if it wasn’’t for those meddling porn stars!”

Many famous celebrities right now from all over the world are besieged with questions about sex tapes that are coming out in which they are suspected as the stars. The most common excuse these celebrities but forward is that the people that are actually on the sex tapes are not them but mere look-alikes.

This most common act of laying the blame on doppelgangers, and the fact that there is a very high level of popularity enjoyed by porn stars that actually look like real celebrities, has prompted a small group in the US to study this probability by searching for people who look like porn models.

This seemingly scientific pursuit aims to either disprove the celebrities’ claim of innocence or on some level determine the likelihood of individuals having identical physical traits from someone they are not even related to. It has often been speculated that every person has a doppelganger somewhere in the world, someone who looks exactly like him or her with having any blood ties. These researchers are trying to calculate the possibility that this speculation might actually be true.

The question remains now, why even bother with such a seemingly pointless study? One of the researchers, Martin Von Avon, explains. “Do you realize the potential of unlocking a secret to doppelgangers? A lot of people plainly believe that having an exact double would just be cool. But think about the benefits. If we can discover our exact doppelganger, what would we be able to do? Perhaps steal this person’s identity? Sleep with this person’s spouse without them getting the wiser? Investigate another wonder in human genetics? Plus, the philosophical ramifications of knowing that you are not entirely that unique could alter many people’s belief systems. And what if, and this is just my own personal hypothesis on the whole doppelganger conundrum, but what if these doubles actually come from alternate dimensions? Mirror images of our very own universe. Imagine the discoveries we can make!”

While any discount Von Avon and his colleagues as being borderline insane amateurs who have read too many comic books and have watched too much porn, keep in mind that many of the greatest minds in human history have also been at some point or another considered to be “not all there”. If Von Avon is correct, this search for porn start doppelgangers could lead to the unraveling of everything we all believe to be true for the past several centuries.

In the tradition of America’s Top Model, a major television network is in talks of producing a reality show that would feature the world’s best porn models for a chance at a career in mainstream film and television. The contest is proposed to span over 22 episodes and would select both male and female porn stars from different parts of the world. Currently, the producers are still trying to figure out which contestants would make the cut.

“We are trying to fit together 12 candidates that would look good together in front of the camera, even with their clothes on” said one of the producers of the proposed TV show. The producer has requested anonymity in an effort to keep the details of the project under wraps before the network gives the green light. He is, however, very optimistic. “It’s a show featuring porn stars. That in itself is ratings gold, my friend.”

A blogger who has stumbled upon rumors about the project has a lot less faith in the project as opposed to the enthusiastic producer. “There’s a very specific purpose for porn, and there is a very specific reason why people go and watch porn. I don’t think this show will be able to provide those reasons. Unless of course, it’s on HBO.”

The producers are now combing through various DVDs and websites looking for the perfect 12. The producer, after a few drinks, was more open to details. “We’re going to have them live in one house. Imagine the potential! These people are all so eager to break out of porn, that they’ll do anything. Plus, when the DVD comes out, it will be loaded with tons of extras featuring these hotties in private moments.”

Currently, the network has been reluctant to push through with the project, fearing a backlash from the audience. The producer was not fazed by this. “If they don’t like it, we’ll take the project to another network. But they’d be foolish not to grab at this opportunity. Remember, these are pornstars, in one house, getting into contests to attain a singular goal. It’s a guaranteed Emmy.”

Emmy or not, the conditions with which to release a brand new reality show seem to be ideal. With television being crammed with reality shows from numerous B-list celebrities, maybe a reality show featuring the biggest names in the adult industry may be the shot in the arm that network television needs.

There are several rumors circulating that the Adult Film Industry (AFI) is trying to create stronger brand name recognition by unveiling a mascot that would symbolize the collective industry. They wanted a lovable character who everyone can relate to. It is said that they are now scouring for porn models to produce a representative for the entire skin flick industry. What’s incredible about the circulating rumors is that there are a good number of people who actually believe it’s a good idea.

“Imagine if we had something like the McDonald’s Golden Arches for the Adult Film Industry” said one independent porn producer. While the thought of being in a business that involves some of the silliest ideas on earth can be quite amusing to many, one has to admit that comparing the porn to a global fast food chain borders on a level of ridiculous that not even a porn writer (if they do exist) could possibly conjure up. “Don’t tell me you can’t imagine the golden arches with nipples on top” he added.

Whimsical thoughts aside, we sought out the opinion of those who truly matter in the subject: the audience. A recent poll churned out some very interesting, albeit disturbing, results.

“A guy with his thing inside a pizza box would be funny as hell” said a guy no one would definitely be ordering pizzas from.

“Maybe one of the popular porn stars could just act as a liaison for the porn industry, someone hot and with big boobs” suggested by a marketing major from a prestigious university. In all fairness, he would probably graduate with flying colors with an imagination like that.

“A pool boy and a warrior princess” said one correspondent.

“I’d like to see giant dick” said a man we were not quite sure was even aware of our question.

If the rumors are true, then one can conclude that the era of the skin flick carrying any sort of mystique and respect is truly dead. Dashed are hopes of the Adult Film Industry of ever obtaining what has seemed to be, for several years, one of their more potent goals, to be regarded as a craft with class. Of course, the AFI has never been an industry without humor, but honestly, is there an actual need for a mascot? When you already rake in millions upon millions of dollars even without any publicity utilized, it is safe to say that the AFI is doing good, even without the attention seeking stunts.