Needless to say, the presence of porn in the silver anniversary of an elementary in a small quiet town pretty much killed everyone’s mood. Embarrassed by the whole fiasco, the principal of the school promised a full blown investigation. He claimed that it was the biggest scandal in Okotoks history and he was not going to allow this incident to become just another cold case.

Principal Ned Simpson was actually on hand when the school first opened. He had started out in Okotoks Elementary as an English teacher, priding himself as a lover of all forms of conventional communication. One glaring exception of course, was porn. “The only thing that these movies communicate is the acceptance of indecency” said the extremely incensed principal. “This may have been the work of a delinquent student who thought it would be funny to tarnish this great academic institution’s reputation. It may have happened 25 years ago, but I will find the culprit and bring him to justice.”

Simpson has a list of suspects comprising of the students who he deemed had “severe attitude problems” and were enrolled in the school at the time. The major contributors to the contents of the time capsules were students. Each of the students newly enrolled students to put one thing that they want the world of the future to see. It was clear, however, that one person wanted to display that something will always remain constant in the world, and that’s pornography.

Simpson claims that none of the teachers then, who supervised the student’s contribution, can possibly be the culprit. “There is no chance that any of my esteemed faculty members could have done it. I know each and every one of them, and the majority of them are still employed here in this institution. It’s unlikely that any one of them could have done it. It’s definitely a student.”

Simpson is currently conducting deep interrogations on the teachers who were there on that fateful day, trying to gather more information on the possible suspects. Simpson vows that he will not stop until this grave error has been corrected.

“It’s high time that everyone know how important these porn videos are in our lives” chimed in a loyal fan of bizarre porn. “Notice how the two girls one cup video earned its rightful place in mainstream media? Bizarre porn videos are ingrained in the minds of every true porn fanatic. It’s everyone’s guilty pleasure. We all want to go and see the weirdest shit they could wrap their minds around of. This would be a true tribute to everyone who really loves the art of porn.”

Regarding the criteria for judging which bizarre videos are a cut above the rest of the materials available on the ‘net, we sought the opinion of one porn veteran who also anxiously awaits the awards show. ”I think the one that carries with it the most potential for psychologically damaging the viewer enough that his or her everyday living is forever altered. It’s all about impact. If it doesn’t drive you crazy, it’s mostly not even bizarre enough to warrant attention. A truly bizarre video grabs everyone’s attention like a kick in the balls.”

The event is rumored to star former adult film star turned b-movie actress Tracy Lords. There will be several guests throughout the show, and the guest list is reportedly as bizarre as the nominated videos themselves. From Carrot Top to Ben Affleck, the guest list reads like a who’s who of the most unrelated people ever assembled in one space. The you porn Bizarre porn Awards night promises to be a three hour mind fuck that everyone would definitely enjoy. Another fan offered his insight. “I believe it’s going to be the best night in the history of the porn industry. When regular porn came out, everyone viewed it as outlandish and wild, bizarre even. But, now, it’s all considered the norm. Bizarre porn videos are the future of the entire industry, so I’m glad that these videos that are mostly known for novelty are getting something more. They will open up nothing but good things for the entire porn industry.”

The scene that was just described is an excerpt from the new underground literary masterpiece from 23 year old creative genius Matthew Stokes. His book, entitled “The Adult Movie Conspiracy”, is a riveting tale about a group of men who try to take over the world with the use of one porn video. This unpublished tale has many publishers abuzz, and its writer is flanked by offers. Stokes, surprisingly, is not quite ready to unleash his masterpiece on the printed paper.

“I just had a few of my book club friends read it” said Stokes. “As much as I loved their comments, both positive and negative, I think it still needs a bit of a tweak. There’s something still yet missing for me to be completely satisfied with my work.”

Stokes is a rather well known amateur writer, who has more than a dozen unfinished books under his belt. A literary teacher in a community college in the Midwest, Stokes is a truly gifted writer who just has trouble finishing what he starts. “Whenever a new idea comes into my mind, I often go ahead and start writing it immediately before the inspiration leaves me. That is why I’ve got a bunch of novels that I can no longer finish.”

It’s that touch and go enthusiasm that have destroyed the potential of thousands of other artists, but this does not bother Stokes one bit. “I don’t really care if I get published or not. As long as I’m writing, I’m happy. If people like what I read, then I’m happy. I don’t really feel the need to earn a living off the one thing I love most. Just doing it is enough of a fulfillment.”

Currently, “The Adult Movie Conspiracy” is turning a lot of heads, and the constant urging by peers may be enough for Stokes to try and actually finish the book.

His face, though hidden behind an iron mask he had fashioned to hide is damaged countenance, conveyed the authority that was carried by his words. There was a hush among the country folk, and the people watching on TV in their homes — as they are required to, waited with baited breath as their ruler began speaking. “Online porn” he hissed. “It is despicable! I did not gather my resources to save this decrepit land only to have it fall into degeneracy! There are values that I strongly uphold, and make no mistake, this nation is my house! You are all under the roof that I have built and you shall all face doom if you have violated the rules of my house!”

The dictators voiced boomed over the country. A dreaded silence fell over the nation. The dropping of a pin would reverberate and break everyone’s ear drums upon impact on the ground. The voice of one young man then, deafened everyone but the dictator himself. “But.. it’s all we have…” the boy said while sweating bullets.

Seconds of tense silence fell over the citizens. The monarch stared at the young man with a glaring intensity. Then he spoke the two words that would forever ring in the mind of the young man. “Seize him.” From there, a small army of mechanized soldiers forcibly took the boy and brought him to the furious dictator. He was kneeling and gritting his teeth with increasing fury as well. “Who are you?” the dictator asked, eyes never leaving the young man’s angry face. The young man met his gaze bravely.

“I am but a simple accountant, with dreams of one day relishing the fruits of the loins of a beautiful woman not unlike those found in the videos.” A tear slowly rolled down his cheek. He knew it was the end, and he refused to accept redemption by denouncing the videos.

A surge of energy from the dictator’s gauntlet dashed the young man’s dreams forever.

The Porn Crusader’s tale begins a quiet night in his apartment. It was a boring old weeknight, and in his own words, “life was mundane as mundane can possibly be”. He popped a newly rented VHS tape into his player (VHS is still a big thing in his part of the woods) and proceeded to view what he still describes as the “greatest porn video ever made”. He was treated to a stunning series of sexual action that featured the
best in the world of BDSM. That was the point when the Crusader was born. He saw the cries of the
woman bound and gagged, and being pleasured by sex toys. He saw the tears of the world. The pained moans of the woman who was subjected with a string of anal beads only made the Crusader hear her cries of a world in peril. He had heard the call to arms of a world that was tired of taking it in the ass. He felt the the time was right. It was the perfect scenario for the rise of The Porn Crusader.

When asked about his superhero code name, the Crusader looked dumbfounded. “I’m the Porn Crusader. I watched porn, I decided to crusade. What’s weird about that?” When it was explained to him that his name suggests that he was a crusader for the rights of pornographic material, the Crusader’s eyes widened. “Huh?”

Nevertheless, the Crusader had trained himself in martial arts and armed himself with the best sex toys money can buy. Each of the dildos he uses have been customized for combat and pleasure alike. “With
devices created with the intention of inflicting an unforgettably painful experience to its victim, I shall clean up Newfoundland! First, Canada, tomorrow, the world.”

Canada’s most wanted have something to fear now, and his name is The Porn Crusader.

Luke had come from a party and had more than a few drinks in his system when he took out Nicole to play with. He passed out, and the hamster who had spent a long time watching her master download porn, sprung into action. The animal had instinctively developed the ability to find and download adult videos from Luke’s favorite sites. It’s like a sicker version of Alvin and the Chipmunks.

“Imagine my surprise when I woke up and saw my download queue was full of adult movies” said an astonished Luke. “I initially assumed that I was entirely too drunk to remember that I downloaded the movies. But when I checked the time the download started, I saw that it was well beyond the time I was sure I was unconscious. The only logical conclusion was Nicole.”

Luke put his theory to the test however, putting the animal in front of the computer and waited. After dilly dallying for a few seconds, the hamster crawled over the keyboard and moved the mouse immediately to open the porn sites that Luke frequented. Luke felt his knees tremble at the sight of his pet quickly and accurately processing downloads for him.

“It’s just a shame that I’m not able to make money off this discovery. After all, the only thing that this says to the world is that I download so much porn that my pet had actually adapted the skill to do so.”

A lot of the luminaries in the field of animal behavior tend to disagree with Luke’s previous statement. Noted animal psychologist Dr. Erving Nuts in particular would love to examine Nicole’s behavior. ”Regardless of what the owner has been preoccupied with that led to Nicole’s amazing discovery, this is definitely an amazing breakthrough. Imagine what the government can do with hyper-intelligent hamsters that could operate machinery as complex as computers. Imagine what else we could possibly teach these creatures? We could even send them into space!”

Currently, Luke has not yet answered any invitation from Dr. Nuts to examine his furry friend.

Robert and Doris have been living together for two years. They have always been very much in love with one another. However, there was one thing that always got Doris’ goat. Doris always hated the fact that Robert was constantly watching porn movies online. Every single time that Doris would turn her back, Robert would be on the computer digging up the sickest, vilest porn he could find. He never made an effort to hide it too. To his credit, Robert felt there was nothing to be ashamed about in liking porn.

Doris then tried to shame her man by talking about what she refers to as “his filthy habit” in front of their friends. This did not deter the porn loving Robert. In fact, he mistakenly took it as a sign of acceptance. One day, Doris decided to take a more aggressive action against Robert’s hobby. Every time she would catch Robert in the act, she would watch alongside him, doing off color annotations of the things he was watching. She would make jokes about the videos, even teasing him to pleasure himself. All the time Doris was hoping that her comments and jokes would discourage Robert from his constant porn patronage.

Robert, however, had a surprise for her that she would never, ever forget. Unbeknownst to his lady love, Robert had made phone calls and sent emails to the developers of his favorite porn sites. He had made arrangements for them to create a very special video for her. When he received a favorable reply, Robert set his master plan into motion.

On one Saturday evening, Doris came home to find Robert once again watching online porn videos. True to form, she sat down beside him, making her usual sarcastic comments. The video featured a man and a woman having sex, and Robert did not make a sound all through out the video. Once the performers were done with coitus, both looked at the camera and held up a sign that said “If you agree to marry me, Doris, I’ll keep the porn to a minimum”. Doris turned to see Robert with a ring in hand.

They are now happily married and enjoying porn together.

This software is strictly top secret for the time being, but the developers promise that it will not only change the way porn is watched, but also the way porn is viewed. Ivan Jericho, one of the leading developers in Zeotrope X Interactive, offers some inside information. “This works by capturing the performers in various angles, allowing the viewer to freely navigate the entire area to get whichever view they want to see. It would be the same thing like those instant replays from sports video games. Know you could edit out angles and roam freely while your player shoots a basket or something? We’re trying to incorporate that into the porn videos.”

If done successfully, no longer will masturbating porn viewers have to worry about cumming during inopportune times. Many people suffer from unsatisfactory self indulgence over porn because several times, they will climax just when the shot shows a close up of a guy’s grimacing countenance. With this technology, that fear will no longer exist, and immediately the programmers hope that this would increase the popularity of porn movies once more.

Another feature the software would enable is the combination of several niches into one video. This is beyond mere video editing. The developers are calling this the “god mode”, and will give viewers the opportunity to literally dictate and control every aspect of the porn movie. “Let’s say you like one scene from a particular porn star and another scene from a different movie but you wish she would do it with a co-star from yet another different movie. The god mode allows you to combine those things to fully customize a porn video to your own tastes.”

The software is still in development, but initial surveys indicate that the entire porn watching world is holding its breath for the software’s much anticipated release. There is no doubt that if done successfully, the software would change online porn movies forever.

Andy had amassed an amazing collection of porn movies that was the envy of everyone in their sleepy little town of Shermer, Wisconsin. In fact, adult and teen males alike refer to him as “the porn guy”. A title which Andy was proud to be bestowed upon. However, with his lifelong dream of becoming a Physics major put in jeopardy by the global economic crisis, he had to improvise.

It was in a rented storage space that Andy set up shop. It took him three trips using his dad’s Impala to get all of his porn videos and his computer there. He hyped up the event as a one night only sale of all his entire porn collection. The news spread like wildfire. Set to begin at midnight, Andy was surprised to see a long line of people who had camped out patiently waiting to get first dibs. Andy opened up his makeshift store, and the people all rushed in. It was absolute madness. All night, Andy was accepting payments, making recommendations, even pitching lesser videos and making deals.

He was respected enough that no one even tried to steal from him despite the opportunities the chaos had brought. From midnight to sunrise, Andy had managed to sell every piece of his cherished collection. He set there, greeted the sunrise with coffee in hand. He counted the money that he earned. It was then that he had an epiphany. As the sunlight swept through the town of Shermer, Andy realized this true calling.

The following day, Andy had cancelled his application to the state’s top Science University and had decided to use the money to open up his own business. Andy now has his sights set on opening up his very own adult video store. “The Porn Guy’s Treasure Chest of Smutty Goodness” will be opening its first branch in March of next year.

Sometimes life makes unexpected detours into desperation before one discovers his path. Andy can not be any happier now.

In many of the online porn videos, the existence of “hidden Mickeys” has been discovered. To those who are not aware, “hidden Mickeys” are the Mickey Mouse logos that Disney usually litters its TV shows and movies with. They challenge the fans to find these cleverly hidden marketing tools. Now subtly visible in porn, these “hidden Mickeys” threaten to do more than just amuse people. It could potentially ruin the entire porn industry.

In an ironic twist, it was a balding, middle aged man by the name of Bob Samson noticed Disney’s subtle revenge scheme. What makes it ironic is that Samson is the distant cousin of the kid who saw the word “sex” in the Lion King, Samson finds Disney’s “hidden Mickey” attack on porn to be very distasteful. “Who the hell wants to think about Mickey Mouse when watching porn? If you ask me, that sort of thing is nothing short of evil, man.”

No one from Walt Disney offered to comment on the situation, but the general consensus among those within the porn industry is that Disney has crossed the line. Adult film star Balls E. Normous thinks that this could be a danger to his livelihood. “It’s all subliminal advertising, yo. Like indoctrination. The more people watch those ‘Mickeyed’ up videos, pretty soon they’ll be watching cartoons instead of my movies!”

If what Normous believes to be true, are there steps being taken to avoid a decline in the number of porn viewers? Normous remains peeved and troubled about the possibility.. “If this fucks up my business, I’m personally heading down to Disneyworld and give each and everyone of them a different kind og ‘hidden Mickey’”.