The Porn Pay-Per-View Network

Back in the Eighties and early Nineties, guys giving out mix tapes to their girlfriends are all the rage. Some of the cheesier individuals still practice the seemingly archaic mating ritual. Nowadays people would burn a CD or even just exchange songs from their iPods. A lot of A-listers smooth things over with their significant others by giving each other DVD’s of their adult sex videos.

It has become common practice for couples to videotape themselves during coitus. This is one of the biggest benefits that came with the advancements of home video technology. And now that the reproduction of said videos is as easy as making them, many people have used their computers to edit their most intimate moments and turn them into an ideal anniversary gift. One B-level celebrity, who had requested anonymity, revealed this new gift giving idea. “It’s a great way to celebrate your love and affection for each other. Those are your private moments. It’s the one thing that only you and he can have, so why not immortalize it in video? Making a porn mix tape is just a splendid way of recounting all the good and bad times.”

The news of this recent discovery created a bit of a stir. Entertainment journalists now got their game faces on and their panties in a twist rabidly searching for any wayward sex videos they could get their hands on. “I don’t doubt for a second that those leeches can manage to get their hands on something that personal” commented an anonymous celebrity. “But I do hope they refrain from invading people’s privacy. Respect from the paparazzi is something that no amount of appeal to their sense of decency would bring about, but one can hope. I mean, these mix tapes aren’t your run of the mill sex videos, you know. These are two people celebrating their love, albeit in a non-conventional way.”

When asked about the most famous couples that she knows for a fact give each other these types of videos, the anonymous celebrity just cracked a smile.” Honey, you really have no idea, do you? Everyone does it! I wouldn’t be surprised if anyone who has access to equipment neglect to do it. What’s the point, right? It’s like having a webcam chat and you’re not naked.”

A local Canadian celebrity who has been suffering from obscurity is about to make a huge debut on amateur pay per view porn. Trent Luborsky is a teen actor from the early Nineties whose name is mentioned in the same breath as such luminaries like Corey Haim, Pauly Shore and many others. He was made popular in a Canadian sitcom “What’s Up, Eh?” before melting the hearts of many Canadian teens in his role in the teen drama series “Manitoba Dreams”. It was playing the role of Casey, a rebellious teen with great hair and trademark acid washed jeans, that propelled Trent it local super-stardom.

However, as is the case with most young stars, life in the fast lane was too much for Trent. After riding the wave of massive local popularity, Trent was not able to transition into other roles once the show was canceled. This caused Trent severe depression, which he tried to fight using the wrong methods. Within two years after “Manitoba Dreams” was canceled, Trent had officially hit rock bottom.

Now, nearly twenty years after his career was nearly flushed down the toilet, Trent has found a way to get himself in the spotlight once more. He is now promoting an adult sex video which he would only put up on the Internet on pay per view. Trent believes that this will be the ultimate tribute to his loyal fans.

The movie is called “Manitoba Screams”, which will feature the failed actor once again in his trademark jeans. Of course, it would be a safe assumption that Trent will not be wearing those jeans for the majority of the movie.

“This is my way of giving back to my fans” said the actor who was questionably sober. “This movie will feature me showing a side of myself that I never got to show while I was on TV. Except maybe to the handful of extras and make up artists that I’ve banged on the set.”

As an added treat to fans of the locally syndicated show, Trent claims that there will be more than a few surprise cameos from the original cast of the once beloved show. “Yup, this one’s for all those loyal fans who never forgot how awesome it was back in the nineties! TV shows today just suck, eh?

When high school senior Andy discovers that his college fund was lost during the recession, he decided to raise the money on his own. However, he knew that working in some lame summer job would not be able to support his academic needs. So he decided to make the ultimate sacrifice. He decided to sell his adult porn videos.

Andy had amassed an amazing collection of porn movies that was the envy of everyone in their sleepy little town of Shermer, Wisconsin. In fact, adult and teen males alike refer to him as “the porn guy”. A title which Andy was proud to be bestowed upon. However, with his lifelong dream of becoming a Physics major put in jeopardy by the global economic crisis, he had to improvise.

It was in a rented storage space that Andy set up shop. It took him three trips using his dad’s Impala to get all of his porn videos and his computer there. He hyped up the event as a one night only sale of all his entire porn collection. The news spread like wildfire. Set to begin at midnight, Andy was surprised to see a long line of people who had camped out patiently waiting to get first dibs. Andy opened up his makeshift store, and the people all rushed in. It was absolute madness. All night, Andy was accepting payments, making recommendations, even pitching lesser videos and making deals.

He was respected enough that no one even tried to steal from him despite the opportunities the chaos had brought. From midnight to sunrise, Andy had managed to sell every piece of his cherished collection. He set there, greeted the sunrise with coffee in hand. He counted the money that he earned. It was then that he had an epiphany. As the sunlight swept through the town of Shermer, Andy realized this true calling.

The following day, Andy had cancelled his application to the state’s top Science University and had decided to use the money to open up his own business. Andy now has his sights set on opening up his very own adult video store. “The Porn Guy’s Treasure Chest of Smutty Goodness” will be opening its first branch in March of next year.

Sometimes life makes unexpected detours into desperation before one discovers his path. Andy can not be any happier now.

“No matter what adult sex video is laid out in front of him, Superman will resist it.” This is the statement made by Clifford Jonas, a self-proclaimed comic book expert from Philadelphia. Jonas claims that after he has studied comic books from his personal collection from the Golden age DC archives, he discovered that one of the powers that Superman possess is “super-chastity”.

“People think that Superman is very disciplined due to his Southern traditional upbringing” Jonas said, pointing out Jonathan and Martha Kent’s contributions to Superman’s righteousness. “Superman just has an extremely low sex drive. The values instilled upon him by his adoptive parents were to uphold truth and justice. I don’t believe they ever tackled sex.”

Jonas’ hypothesis revolves mainly around the fact that Superman , despite looking perfectly like a human being, is an alien. “He’s Kryptonian. He can leap tall buildings and shit. His physiological make up is definitely different from ours. He’s impervious to all human weaknesses. That includes psychological ones.”

“The same way Superman can survive long periods of time without eating or breathing, he also does not feel the need to have sex. If he can resist his primary instincts, why can’t the same be said about his sexual needs? I would not be surprised if Superman is one of those people who can have erections on command, and not during arousal. Reading the newer comics, we know that Superman has turned down advances from Ice (Guy Gardner’s main squeeze), Maxima, Wonder Woman, and every other hottie in the DC Universe that he wasn’t related to. That just takes more than willpower or loyalty to Lois Lane. That’s just superhuman.”

Jonas also sites the numerous times Superman could have had his way with Lois prior to their marriage, but chose not to. “Again, people think that it’s because of his discipline, and that’s partly the reason. Mostly, it’s because he doesn’t really want to.”

Another theory that Jonas presented is a parallelism between Superman and Watchmen’s Dr. Manhattan. Both considered to be god-like beings, Dr. Manhattan turned his back on humanity once his wife, the Silk Spectre, left him. Any connection he had with the human race has been severed at that point. Jonas predicts that Superman only keeps Lois around is because she is his main connection to humanity.

“So no, Superman can watch all the porn in the world and not have a boner.” Jonas concludes.