The Porn Pay-Per-View Network

A local computer shop nearly went under due to a porn download that quickly went south. Rob, one of the technicians on the shop, apparently got bored with his designated station in life that he decided to spice things up and use the shop’s resources to download a few adult videos. Since the shop owner and manager of the store, Garrison Lance, was completely ignorant about all things computer-related with the glaring exception of how to sell them, Rob was pretty much in the clear.

Downloading porn had become somewhat of a habit for Rob. He’d come in and wait for his boss to grab lunch. He then hit the net and fill his download queue with his favorite adult films. Since his boss always asks Rob to go on overtime, (something that Rob has truly come to despise) Rob had an opportunity to take the finished downloads and copy them to his own personal disk. Rob’s passive aggressive brand of rebellion has gone on for weeks. Rob was beginning to get drunk on his own power. He felt he was untouchable, and he took up the shenanigans another notch. With his own personal hard drive getting full of porn, he had to stash the new downloads somewhere until he managed to come up with enough money to buy a new hard rive with bigger memory. For all of Rob’s shortcomings, he had been very adamant against theft, so the thought of just stealing a hard drive from a computer shop that gets more than its fair share of shoplifters never occurred to him. He did not, however, have any qualms about “borrowing” items.

In the backroom of the store lay a box of hard disk drives that had been sitting there for months. Any hope that these items would be sold had long ago been destroyed. So Rob, trusted employee that he is, decided to store an adult movie or two in each of the drives, secure in the knowledge that nothing would ever happen.

As Rob was on his day off, Mr. Lance had a very novel idea to save the store form dwindling sales. The store had a very special sale wherein anyone who buys a computer gets a brand new free extra hard disk drive. Needless to say all of Rob’s secret stash had been disposed. Once Rob came back to work and discovered what happened, he nearly had a panic attack, but decided to remain silent. He thought that the people would not mind getting a free porn movie with their purchase.

He was right, or course. People did not mind the porn. What they did mind was purchasing something that was advertised as “new” only to find out that it was not the case. Rob is now unemployed and facing legal action.

It’s a classic story about the relationship between a man and his pet. Luke had had his pet hamster for several years before he discovered that his beloved pet can download porn videos. The hamster named Nicole has been extraordinarily special in Luke’s eyes, but he had no idea how special until the hamster was left free in front of Luke’s computer.

Luke had come from a party and had more than a few drinks in his system when he took out Nicole to play with. He passed out, and the hamster who had spent a long time watching her master download porn, sprung into action. The animal had instinctively developed the ability to find and download adult videos from Luke’s favorite sites. It’s like a sicker version of Alvin and the Chipmunks.

“Imagine my surprise when I woke up and saw my download queue was full of adult movies” said an astonished Luke. “I initially assumed that I was entirely too drunk to remember that I downloaded the movies. But when I checked the time the download started, I saw that it was well beyond the time I was sure I was unconscious. The only logical conclusion was Nicole.”

Luke put his theory to the test however, putting the animal in front of the computer and waited. After dilly dallying for a few seconds, the hamster crawled over the keyboard and moved the mouse immediately to open the porn sites that Luke frequented. Luke felt his knees tremble at the sight of his pet quickly and accurately processing downloads for him.

“It’s just a shame that I’m not able to make money off this discovery. After all, the only thing that this says to the world is that I download so much porn that my pet had actually adapted the skill to do so.”

A lot of the luminaries in the field of animal behavior tend to disagree with Luke’s previous statement. Noted animal psychologist Dr. Erving Nuts in particular would love to examine Nicole’s behavior. ”Regardless of what the owner has been preoccupied with that led to Nicole’s amazing discovery, this is definitely an amazing breakthrough. Imagine what the government can do with hyper-intelligent hamsters that could operate machinery as complex as computers. Imagine what else we could possibly teach these creatures? We could even send them into space!”

Currently, Luke has not yet answered any invitation from Dr. Nuts to examine his furry friend.

While it is a generally accepted fact that people watch porn for the sex scenes, there is something that distinguishes which videos are distinctly better than the other. An anonymous porn expert declared that the secret to the best sex videos not just lie in the sex scenes and performers, but actually in how interesting the dialogue is. Such a statement has then evolved into a frequently discussed topic, and up until now, the debate rages on.

“It does have some bearing to it” said media analyst Charles Wang. “While visual stimuli do carry most of the impact to the recipient, it is the auditory stimuli that stick to one’s mind. That is why pop songs tend to get stuck in a person’s head regardless of an individual’s musical preference. And theaters and home theater system always boast superior sound systems as their selling point. It is what we hear that completes the experience, otherwise it would no longer be an audiovisual medium. Would you, in all honesty, enjoy a soundless porn movie? It’s doubtful. I know I won’t.”

Despite not being known for a medium with a glaring affinity for the written word, the porn medium does manage to come out with dialogue that is sufficient to achieve its intended purpose. “”Notice how every one has a favorite movie quote?” asked fight choreographer and film buff Enrique San Juan. “Dialogue from movies, porn or not, is exactly what you want to say whenever you’re faced in the situation. If I’m ever put in a typical porn situation, I can only hope that what comes out of my mouth is half as cool as what the actors say.”

If this is true, then how come no one can ever remember a line from any porn movie when asked to recite one? This is the main question that is raised by those who oppose this stand. These “purists” as they prefer to be called are against the new mentality of porn being described in the same breath as mainstream movies.

Whether or not dialogue is a truly pivotal aspect in the quality of adult videos, the fact that it is heavily discussed bodes well for the entire industry. With ideas such as these brewing, future generations can rest assured with the knowledge that the creative blood of porn will continue to flow.

With the Internet widely responsible for bringing the entire world together in one global community, at least one person believes that much of the credit belongs to adult videos. Adam Hughes is that person. Hughes is what many refer to as a “full time activist”. Friends and acquaintances verify that since Hughes has been in college, he has been switching from cause to cause on a monthly basis. His latest project is to further “porn rights”.

A product of an affluent family, Hughes has dedicated all his time to getting porn recognized as the new universal language. Hughes says that this breakthrough dawned upon him after a quiet night of downloading videos. “I noticed that while certain movies are getting adequate hits, it’s only the porn ones that are taking up the majority. From nearly all countries, too! In a time like this, don’t we all need a unifying factor more than ever?”

Hughes has attempted to spread his message through various means. He has been lobbying “porn rights” in many campus meetings and organizations and has tried to earn the support of many organizations. Sadly, he has yet to find an individual who shares his vision. “It’s that sort of narrow-mindedness that keeps our world in a state of division. If everyone would just forget looking at the superficial and get right into the essence of porn, then they’ll understand what I mean.”

Hughes has even tried holding a seminar for his cause. The original program included him showing a few porn movies and then he would speak about the unifying impact of porn. This plan backfired, though, as people started leaving after they have relieved themselves during the film showing. “I find what happened that day extremely repulsive. But I will not give up. Porn deserves recognition. I’m not stopping until this matter has been looked at by the United Nations itself!”

What’s surprising about all of this is that people within the porn industry seems to refuse to take Hughes seriously. A representative from a well known porn production company shared his company’s stand on “porn rights” and Mr. Hughes. “The porn industry already has low credibility. We believe collaborating with Mr. Hughes would only serve to hurt that credibility even more. However, we do wish Mr. Hughes the best of luck with his quest.”

It has not been confirmed if Hughes has spoken to any of the people from the United Nations.

The Justice League, the Avengers, the X-Men, Spiderman, Daredevil, The Hulk, all big names in mainstream pop culture as the top icons to ever spring forth from the comic book medium. They have faced many threats, but it is seldom, that these heroes are portrayed in a less than glamorous spotlight. It is rare that these revered icons are ever presented in lewd manner. This article dares to ask the question, what sort of amateur adult videos would we find our favorite superheroes in?

The X-Men are a group of heroes comprised of mutants that are shunned by humanity for being different. They are so outcast that one man decided to build a school exclusively for these genetically gifted and cursed beings. It would be most appropriate if they are presented in the same manner as those teacher student porn scenes. But with powers, of course. Would Beast cough up a fur ball as he goes down on an up and coming female mutant? Does Gambit ever accidentally charge up his condom?

The DC Universe is full of superheroes with young teen sidekicks. Everyone knows Batman and Robin have endured so many jokes questioning their relationship and sexuality, to the point that Batman had to get himself a son, who eventually turned into the latest Robin. Touching upon that subject would be beating a dead and buried horse. But what about the Leaguers who do not have any sidekicks to begin with? Does Green Lantern use his ring to conjure up sex toys? What sexually charged form will the Martian Manhunter change into while in the throws of passion?

Comics just doesn’t deal with issues like that, which is really weird. Everyone has always been wondering, form the moment they hooked up way back during the first coming of Galactus, about how the Thing and Alicia Masters ever do it. Even the Human Torch raised that same question. Or if The Hulk, during the times when he had the big green body yet the very smart brain of Banner, how does he deal with sexual urges, In the movie, it was shown that every time he gets aroused he could turn in the rampaging jade giant. Does the Hulk masturbate?

Writers have exerted a ton of effort over the decades to flesh out these superheroes to the point that their characteristics are as diverse as the people ou would find around you. And since there are different strokes for different folks, what kinds of strokes are for these superhuman folks? We may never know. Until then, these leotard clad beings’ sex lives are private.