The Porn Pay-Per-View Network

Harry Borelane considers himself a very organized man. After working several years in a small cubicle doing paperwork no one has ever dreamed of doing, Borlain has developed a knack for organization. He is vilified though, and at times lauded, for the level of effort he puts out just so things are always in order. Even the interior of his house is arranged in a way that everything is in its proper place. Borelane’s organized world, however, was rocked to its very foundation the moment he was assigned to do porn categories.

One of the lines of business of the company that Borelane works for sells porn DVD. With a bunch of holiday orders coming in, the supervisor assigned Borelane to put in overtime for the weekend to categorize every video per niche, and alphabetically. He was also requested to do a cross reference regarding titles and stars among other things. The work was tedious, unfulfilling, and extremely boring. In other words, it was the sort of thing that Harry Borelane is born to do. Borelane, unmarried and essentially friendless, was happy to have something to do over the weekend for a change.

Borelane’s obsessive compulsive tendencies were challenged when he discovered the number of categories the porn genre actually had. It was something that he had never dreamed of in his entire life. He never was a big fan of the porn medium, and Borelane has to take a moment to fully take in what exactly it was he had signed up for.

Saturday morning, he started. Alone in the office, Borlane was free to use the entire office space to his advantage. He paced when needed. He even laid out elaborate charts and graphs and lists on all the bulletin boards. He tried listening to pretentious trance music he had picked up a few months prior in a failed attempt to get with a raver chick that he had met during one of his lonely long lunches. Borelane was determined to finish the job, even if it was the last thing he ever did.

And it turned out, it was indeed the last thing he did. Borlane’s body was discovered Monday morning with a lengthy suicide note neatly typed up and placed on his supervisor’s desk. He had failed to categorize the porn videos in a thorough manner, and he had felt that he was a failure at the one thing he knew well. He had slashed his wrists and covered his wounds in plastic. Harry Borlane neatly bled to death in his tiny cubicle.

Sometimes evil is just hiding in plain sight. Sometimes the hiding place of evil is something as globally exposed as Japanese porn videos. Through the diligent efforts of freelance private investor Jack Charles Baker, we all have a chance to stop a plan to dominate the entire world through porn.

“What makes us watch those Japanese porn movies a lot, huh?” asked Baker with a suspicious look in his eye. “It’s those moans they make. Those Japanese girls have sex all noisy and shit, that it just couldn’t have been a mere coincidence. So I did some checking right? I watched as many Japanese porn movies I could, and listened to those moans. I interpreted them using Morse code, cause that’s how it all sounds, right? Short moans and long moans in random succession, I figured that it all had to mean something. And you will not believe what I found out!”

Baker reports that out of the many Japanese porn movies he’s studied, only one message consistently shows up among the gibberish. He decoded the phrases formed through Morse code, and Baker truly believes that the words that regularly come out are “WE WILL RULE. YOU SHALL FALL. SO SAYS ROBOTO”. Baker has taken it upon himself to find out who Roboto really is and figure out a way to stop him.

“Right now, all I have going for me are the porn videos. But, the sources of the movies I studied are varied, so it’s going to take some time to figure this problem out. I don’t know if this Roboto character is a person or a group, or even if he or she is even human, but Roboto scares me!”

Baker pleads for assistance in his mission to stop Roboto and possibly save the world. “A project like this, it’s going to take some cash, and cash is one thing I don’t have right now. Unfortunately, there has been a shortage in clients for Baker Investigations, the private dick agency I run. I think it’s a blessing in disguise though, cause I wouldn’t have stumbled upon this plot if I had my hands full with the usual cases!”

Those who wish to donate or lend financial assistance to Mr. Baker’s concern may send personal checks to Baker Investigations, PO Box 648, San Diego, California. “Please make out the check to Jackson Charles Baker. Remember, no amount is too small in the fight for Earth’s survival!”

Enlightenment comes from many different things. Bernard, a bus driver in his mid-20s, knows this to be true. He claims to have found enlightenment in the most unexpected of things. Through hot Asian porn, Bernard believes he has acquired a wisdom that cannot be matched.

For Bernard, everything started out innocently. Or at least, as innocent as one seeking porn to relieve one’s self of certain urges could be. So searching through the Internet, Bernard stumbled upon a website that on the surface seemed like a garden variety porn streaming site. When he started viewing the videos however, something clicked in his mind. Bernard then started watching one Asian porn video after the other without even feeling the least bit aroused. He was a captive audience to these videos. He saw something that he had never seen before. He saw the answers to all of life’s questions.

Bernard went out the following day to rent as many Asian porn videos as he could. Ignoring the dirty looks he was getting on the street, he walked hurriedly back to his apartment to watch. He even called in sick from work. For an entire day, Bernard immersed himself in Asian porn. He claims that he had been changed forever. He immediately shaved his head and spent countless hours lost in deep meditation. He had also quit his job and after a few months of preaching on the streets, have gone into writing and teaching.

“Many people would scoff when I tell them the tale” said the reformed Bernard. “No, I am not perverting any of the existing faiths. I just found that shaving my head very therapeutic. I had to shed signs of my troubled past, and my hair was a direct symbol of that. The hair that I now have is the hair I’ve always had since discovering my new path.”

But what exactly did he learn from the sex videos of the East? “I noticed a certain level of peace, and applied it to my self. The tranquility of a diverse universe. The sadness of earthly pursuits. The isolation of greed. All that are present in most Asian porn videos, if you would look at it in a particular way.”

Bernard has had his name changed to Divine Swallow, and amassed a vast library of porn videos. These videos he uses during his preaching sessions in his nearly empty apartment.

Elaine was an odd girl. Growing up in Tulsa, she was out of place in such a quiet, conservative city. She dressed in the manner of glamorous movie stars that adorn the red carpet on a regular basis. As a high school senior, Elaine was just trying to be hip to the contemporary trends. That was, until, she discovered online porn videos.

Elaine, for all the flashy clothes and accessories that embrace her body, is not merely imitating the fashion goddesses most girls like her worship. She actually believed herself to be one of them. No, Elaine had no questions about her identity. She knew for a fact that she was Elaine, high school senior in Tulsa, Oklahoma. She was surrounded by boys who will grow up to be overweight beer guzzling football fans with dead end jobs and end up with girls who’d be married them feeling quite miserable. This was her future. But she thought of herself as different. She was slated for better things, she says. Many would describe her condition as having delusions of grandeur.

This girl, who lived, breathed, and acted like a false celebrity, saw online videos of sex tapes as a way out. She saw these videos and saw an opportunity. She looked at these porn videos as a shot at true superstardom. She can garner enough attention that important might take notice and make her a star! She was willing to take a shot.

It started out with sexy pictures on Myspace. She then moved to other social networking sites, uploading pictures that are a notch racier then before. She started showing nude pictures of herself. She often checked them out online just to admire her own body. Once she graduated over to making sex tapes, her delusions worsened. After making a hastily done sex video with some boy in flannel and a mullet, Elaine officially saw herself as a legitimate star. She had been giving copies of her own porn tape to people, no matter if they asked or not.

Today, Elaine continues to do porn videos and actually dropped out of school. So she could invest more time in them. Her parents have tried professional help for their daughter, but none worked. She resisted the notion that she was getting out of hand! Hopefully, Elaine’s destructive path of delusion does not destroy her.

If there’s anyone who deserves to use music as an outlet for his frustration, it’s teen pornstars. It comes to no surprise that a group of young men and women have decided to form an emo punk-inspired band known as Casting Couch.

“Right now, we’re just trying to mesh our individual styles and music influences until something comes out” said Serenity Philips, on lead vocals. Serenity is known for her amazing skills in porn videos and is making quite a reputation for herself for her deep throat abilities. Now, with Casting Couch, she gets to use that mouth of hers in an entirely different manner. “I have always loved singing, and even tried forming bands back in my younger days, but no one really took me seriously. Everyone was just trying to get me in bed. At least now, I know that it’s not a big deal, cause I’ve slept with every member of the band, both guys and girls.”

Rounding out the rest of Casting Couch is Ryan Dong, the Asian teen porn sensation on keyboards, Bernadette Blows on bass, Jiggy Von Fox on drums and BJ Smith on lead guitar. Smith is particularly excited about the concept of Casting Couch. “Serenity and I have been working on some songs that we know would be awesome. I’d say the band is a mix of The Cure with a dash of My Chemical Romance and there’s a little Rolling Stones mixed in there. I know we have a unique sound, and Serenity’s vocals can bring us over the top. I love working with these people, on and off camera.”

Their drummer naturally agrees. “We met in an orgy scene, and somehow we all sensed that there was something special with our group work.” Jiggy’s eyes started to well up. “It’s like we were destined to do this, and I believe that the fact that we all have inclinations in music and even play different instruments is far too fitting to be a coincidence. This band, Casting Couch, is written in the stars, man. There’s no stopping us now. We just need that one big hit.”

Every member of the band insists that none of them will be leaving the porn industry, whether or not the band is a success. “This is where we met, and porn is actually something we all enjoy. We’ll all still be involved in it in whatever capacity” Serenity concluded.

A porn search is not as easy as people think. It requires a certain amount of skill, patience, and perhaps even a complete mastery of search engines and other Internet tools and resources available online. Many people have determined that it’s high time to recognize gifted individuals with utmost dedication to be a master porn searcher. In any field it is important to determine who really rules the roost, and in 2010, the first ever annual porn search championship is to going to be held.

The event is organized by the Global Porn Specialist Group, or the GPSG. It is a one day tournament open to all Internet porn search fanatics from all over the world. This grueling tournament will pit these gifted individuals against each other, armed with only a normal computer with a fast Internet connection and their own special skills. These guys will be tasked to search of the rarest, most obscure porn ever placed online, many of which were planted and buried by the GPSG themselves.

Many in the GPSG are excited over this upcoming event. According to one of their representatives, this is comparable to a sacred quest for many porn fans. “Finding a good porn movie is like locating the Holy Grail. You can’t just go on a search engine and just type away. Sometimes you just have to dig deeper. And based from what we’ve seen, there are a lot of good diggers out there.”

The tourney is said to be subdivided into different categories. There’s the search for streaming porn video, wherein the contestants are given a limited to find a specific porn video in streaming sites. Then there’s the porn download category, where the contestants not only have to search for download links but have to be the first to finish downloading a good copy of the video. And then, there’s the lightning round which is the accumulation of specific porn photos under five minutes. It all ends with the final round, an all out search for a secret German BDSM porn made specifically for the event, and uploaded on that very day and hidden under several layers of other sites and pop ups.

“It’s very competitive, we are making sure of that. The prize of course would be worth it.”

When it comes to hot porn action, many people focus on the hot porn and sometimes neglect to notice the action. We sat down with Nigel McWolfe, a world renowned fight coordinator and choreographer for many of the best porn videos of all time. He’s here to talk about the many dazzling stories of his career. McWolfe has been doing fight choreography for most of his life, before retiring at the young age of 35 to pursue other endeavors, like writing.

“It has been a wild, amazing ride for me” exclaims McWolfe with nearly a teary eyed expression. “I feel like I’ve really established myself in the porn industry. I’m very thankful for the last several years, for being just part of the business in that capacity.”

McWolfe is a former stuntman that went into fight choreography after a near fatal accident. His first few gigs were for some low budget action movies. During one of these jobs, he was approached by the lead actor, who actually does some porn work on the side, and offered McWolfe a stint at a porno he was doing. At first McWolfe was reluctant, but he soon fell in love with the usiness and decided to stay.

“At first I didn’t think that there’d be enough jobs for me, but I was obviously wrong. Like most people, I didn’t appreciate the other aspects of the porn industry, and I didn’t even know that any of them had any fight scenes. Now, I tell everyone I meet that the best porn videos have awesome fight scenes!” McWolfe’s body of work is not a fancy as some of his Hollywood counterparts, but McWolfe had learned to do the best with a smaller budget. “If the director knows what he’s doing, then I wouldn’t have to worry. And I’m proud to say that I’ve worked with the best directors ever, and I noticed that none of them are doing mainstream movies!”

McWolfe has just finished writing his memoirs, and he’s hoping to get it published. He says it contains many amazing stories about the porn industry as well as some of the celebrities he has had the pleasure of working with, as a stuntman and as a choreographer. While still looking for a publisher, McWolfe has already wasted no time trying to promote the book. “My life is full of anecdotes, and I’m sure that anyone would find my memoirs a great read.”

A porn company with a unique production theme is going to be launched in the middle of next year. This porn production outfit promises that they will deliver high quality porn at par with their competitors, with one characteristic. This company will be producing only holiday themed adult porn videos. This production outfit is tentatively named Hallmark Porn.

Aaron Styles, head of Hallmark Porn, discusses the very concept of the production outfit. “Porn is a yearly four billion dollar business. What does that mean to us? It means that there are lots of people out there who like porn. Chances are, the person beside you right now is an avid porn viewer. So, with that in mind, what do you think is the level of probability that a person who would receive porn as a gift who like and appreciate it? Pretty high, right? That’s what we want to do here at Hallmark Porn. We want to create not only quality adult movies that all fans of the medium would enjoy, but also something festive and ideal as gifts.”

The company is now currently in production of several films. While the company is set to officially launch in the middle of next year, they are already working diligently on a Christmas themed video for this year. “Hopefully, Mrs. Claus Goes to Town would hit the video stores and the web sites before Christmas Day itself. We are also in the production stage of Auld Lang Cock, or offering for the upcoming New Year.”

Other of their projects include Teenage Trick or Treat, a Halloween special that shows naughty teenagers in hot costumes trick or treating and having sex. Naughty Easter Egg Hunt is obviously a tribute to the great tradition with a sexy twist. Plymouth Fuck is a porn tat features a very unique re-imagining of the history of Thanksgiving. This Styles reveled is Hallmark’s most ambitious project. Shot on location and with a rather sizeable budget, Plymouth Fuck will be the company’s initial crown jewel of holiday offerings.

“Our projects will not only be about the major holidays. We are going for every holiday possible. We are going to be as non-denominational as possible. In development are Kwanzaa and Hanukkah movies, and we will also be producing ones for Asian Holidays, most likely Chinese New Year. Hallmark Porn is definitely set on making an impact in the upcoming year. I personally, am very excited.”

It is a general conception that watching porn is a singular activity, or something one generally does alone. A new social networking site plans to shatter that conception by connecting the world’s porn fans in one porn happy community. In fact, the tentative name of the site itself is porn happy community. The developer of the site, a young man by the name of David Fleer, hopes to create a community that would make porn fans feel comfortable with their porn watching.

“There has always been a taint of shame for porn fanatics.” explains Fleer, who himself is going to be an active member of the site he’s trying to create, much like the “Tom” guy from MySpace. “IN my site, that shame will somehow be erased. This is a social networking site that allows fans to appreciate the art of porn without fear of judgments and any of the negative stuff that society has put porn under. They can post pictures of themselves, pretty much declare tot he world not just the fact that they love porn, but why, and what kind, and people would be genuinely interested.”

Fleer says the idea came to him one night while drinking with his friends and in a state of drunkenness the discussion turned to porn. Each of his friends was complaining about how being caught with porn in the street or the video store was very embarrassing, and how their boyfriends or girlfriends would find porn in the computers and it would be a big fight. Despite all those hassles, no one is going to stop watching porn, Fleer deduced, and he determined that he was going to do something about it.

One of the unique traits of the site, according to Fleer, is that it gives members the ability to upload porn videos, be it amateur or professional. “I’m still working out the kinks, especially with copyright laws and such. I don’t want to step on toes here, especially not from anyone in the porn industry.”

Fleer calls the site his contribution to the world. “I view it as some kind of legacy that I could leave behind. I know that people will go to the site not knowing and caring who it is that created it, but seeing my fellow porn brethren interacting with each other, finding a place online where they know they truly belong, is enough for me.”