The Porn Pay-Per-View Network

Justice is best served cold by people who just happen to be hot. A renegade task force of crime fighters have assembled to fight the porn crimes that plague the industry. Composed exclusively of porn models, this unit is created to fight all those that threaten the peace and the noble craft of adult filmaking. The team is comprised of seven porn stars who each have a special skill to contribute in the fight against porn crime.

Many people would wonder what sort of crime happens within the supposedly happy go lucky porn set. What people fail to realize is that like the rest of the world, the porn set is abundant with dangers and suspicious characters. There are peeping toms that are always lurking around to invade the privacy of our porn stars. There are people who wish to steal bootlegs for a quick buck. And then there are perverts who steal used panties and other used porn set paraphernalia.

While the identities of these crime fighters remain secret for the safety of their loved ones, they have made it public that they will not show any remorse when apprehending and stopping felons. “There was a time when I would feel uncomfortable whenever I’m in a porn set” said porn star Tina Jizzguzzlerwitz. “I used to always be a nervous wreck whenever I walk in a porn set because of the knowledge that there troublemakers who are looking to take advantage. But when I heard of these vigilantes, no, when I heard of these heroes, I now come to work with confidence.”

The normal M.O. for these crime fighters is to catch their bad guy, tie him or her up and leave the criminal with a ball gag in the mouth and a strap on up the ass for all the world to see. This has been their calling card ever since catching their first criminal, the pervert named Trevor Von Hooverstamp. Hooverstamp claims he cannot identify his assailants. His eyes were fixed on their huge boobs and hanging dicks. It was learned that Von Hooverstamp was caught sneaking in at a closed shoot.

“And I would have gotten away too, if it wasn’’t for those meddling porn stars!”

Stealing is not a new problem. In fact, the act of stealing has both been condemned and glorified by the media and the general populace in different points in time. Pirates are generally viewed as vile, evil people. That is, until Johnny Depp puts on the frilly outfit and talks like a certain Rolling Stone bassist.

Thieves are often considered to be scum. With the sheer exception of Danny Ocean and his eleven other cohorts, all of whom took part in the ruining a devious casino owner. And all because the casino owner banged Ocean’s squeeze. Yes, the world has suffered enough atrocities from pirates both real and fictional, and from in and out of cyberspace. Now, the fee porn industry has been feeling its effects.

Being a business that survives on the promise of providing exclusive porn content for a very reasonable fee, the owners of these websites mostly no longer have a firm sense of “exclusivity”. With more and more technologically savvy individuals born everyday, the market has not only experienced an increase in the demand curve, but also suffered the effects of being cheated over. Streaming videos, downloads, and all other sites that feature previews of the supposed exclusive content are acceptable. But there have been more than several cases where there has been illegal distribution of the material. Like in other media, pirates steal life-giving revenue away from the porn producers, thereby endangering the entire industry. Who can imagine a world where there is no constant update of porn? While it’s arguable that the amount of porn that already exists would be enough to appease the general populace for a few more years, knowing that there is a possibility that the porn supply would inevitably diminish is frightening.

So now comes the question, how do we stop this sordid abuse on our beloved porn? What is the fitting punishment for those who endanger the very industry that has seen most of us through the darkest periods of our lives. Is death enough? Or is it too merciful? We should ask ourselves what sort of possessive evil would it take to make a man take from the world one of its sheer wonders? What punishment would fit a man who would deprive future generations of the joy of porn?

Think about it. They must all perish.

Life is complicated. With the numerous schools of thought designed to make life simpler than it actually is, one philosophy embraces the fulfillment of one’s basic needs to achieve that goal. One can actually follow the lessons of pay per minute porn and apply it to one’s way of life. Indeed, it is an unorthodox medium from which to derive any form of improvement, but this does make sense. For a man who wishes to lead a simple life, one must choose to do things in the simplest way possible.

This pay per minute programs work by using the best form of minimalism available. A person who wishes to indulge in the joys of pornographic materials no longer needs to spend more than what he or she is actually using. The cost of enjoyment is only equal to the actual amount of enjoyment patronized.

By the same token, life can be lived in such a manner. By focusing on the needs more than the wants, and maintaining a sense of contentment through the achievement of one’s basic goals, the quality of one’s life would be greatly improved. It is existentialist in principle. If essence comes after existence, and one would not devote one’s self to a misleading sense of purpose, the chance of disappointment or dissonance is greatly decreased.

To expect nothing more of life than what is initially agreed upon, or determined by the person in control of his own life, one will always achieve what is expected. There is a correlation between what one hopes to happen and what one considers to be inevitable. A mere lessening of the hope factor and further analysis of the inevitable would yield only satisfactory results. If one chooses to eliminate extremes and over abundance, one is able to live within the sphere of one’s own control.

Of course, opposing opinions would point out the diminishing of the human potential. When a person abandons any ambition to achieve the unthinkable progress of not only the individual but society in general would be hindered. Alas, that is where valuing comes to play. Determine what is truly important, and focus on maintaining the achievement of merely the vital parts of one’s existence. Like porn that you pay for by the minute, there would be a great reduction of the unnecessary, in essence giving the doer a clear cut sense of direction and purpose.

Back in the Eighties and early Nineties, guys giving out mix tapes to their girlfriends are all the rage. Some of the cheesier individuals still practice the seemingly archaic mating ritual. Nowadays people would burn a CD or even just exchange songs from their iPods. A lot of A-listers smooth things over with their significant others by giving each other DVD’s of their adult sex videos.

It has become common practice for couples to videotape themselves during coitus. This is one of the biggest benefits that came with the advancements of home video technology. And now that the reproduction of said videos is as easy as making them, many people have used their computers to edit their most intimate moments and turn them into an ideal anniversary gift. One B-level celebrity, who had requested anonymity, revealed this new gift giving idea. “It’s a great way to celebrate your love and affection for each other. Those are your private moments. It’s the one thing that only you and he can have, so why not immortalize it in video? Making a porn mix tape is just a splendid way of recounting all the good and bad times.”

The news of this recent discovery created a bit of a stir. Entertainment journalists now got their game faces on and their panties in a twist rabidly searching for any wayward sex videos they could get their hands on. “I don’t doubt for a second that those leeches can manage to get their hands on something that personal” commented an anonymous celebrity. “But I do hope they refrain from invading people’s privacy. Respect from the paparazzi is something that no amount of appeal to their sense of decency would bring about, but one can hope. I mean, these mix tapes aren’t your run of the mill sex videos, you know. These are two people celebrating their love, albeit in a non-conventional way.”

When asked about the most famous couples that she knows for a fact give each other these types of videos, the anonymous celebrity just cracked a smile.” Honey, you really have no idea, do you? Everyone does it! I wouldn’t be surprised if anyone who has access to equipment neglect to do it. What’s the point, right? It’s like having a webcam chat and you’re not naked.”

He calls himself the Porn Crusader, a self-made superhero who walks the night using an arsenal of sex toys and other techniques inspired by what he describes as the best porn video ever. In a very revealing interview, the champion of the Canadian province of Newfoundland talked about his exploits. While the hero
refused to name the video that spawned his new identity for fear of copycats, he explained his roots to the best of his ability. The Porn Crusader hopes to share his vision of a better world, a world wherein the streets are safe from drugs and prostitution.

The Porn Crusader’s tale begins a quiet night in his apartment. It was a boring old weeknight, and in his own words, “life was mundane as mundane can possibly be”. He popped a newly rented VHS tape into his player (VHS is still a big thing in his part of the woods) and proceeded to view what he still describes as the “greatest porn video ever made”. He was treated to a stunning series of sexual action that featured the
best in the world of BDSM. That was the point when the Crusader was born. He saw the cries of the
woman bound and gagged, and being pleasured by sex toys. He saw the tears of the world. The pained moans of the woman who was subjected with a string of anal beads only made the Crusader hear her cries of a world in peril. He had heard the call to arms of a world that was tired of taking it in the ass. He felt the the time was right. It was the perfect scenario for the rise of The Porn Crusader.

When asked about his superhero code name, the Crusader looked dumbfounded. “I’m the Porn Crusader. I watched porn, I decided to crusade. What’s weird about that?” When it was explained to him that his name suggests that he was a crusader for the rights of pornographic material, the Crusader’s eyes widened. “Huh?”

Nevertheless, the Crusader had trained himself in martial arts and armed himself with the best sex toys money can buy. Each of the dildos he uses have been customized for combat and pleasure alike. “With
devices created with the intention of inflicting an unforgettably painful experience to its victim, I shall clean up Newfoundland! First, Canada, tomorrow, the world.”

Canada’s most wanted have something to fear now, and his name is The Porn Crusader.

It’s a classic story about the relationship between a man and his pet. Luke had had his pet hamster for several years before he discovered that his beloved pet can download porn videos. The hamster named Nicole has been extraordinarily special in Luke’s eyes, but he had no idea how special until the hamster was left free in front of Luke’s computer.

Luke had come from a party and had more than a few drinks in his system when he took out Nicole to play with. He passed out, and the hamster who had spent a long time watching her master download porn, sprung into action. The animal had instinctively developed the ability to find and download adult videos from Luke’s favorite sites. It’s like a sicker version of Alvin and the Chipmunks.

“Imagine my surprise when I woke up and saw my download queue was full of adult movies” said an astonished Luke. “I initially assumed that I was entirely too drunk to remember that I downloaded the movies. But when I checked the time the download started, I saw that it was well beyond the time I was sure I was unconscious. The only logical conclusion was Nicole.”

Luke put his theory to the test however, putting the animal in front of the computer and waited. After dilly dallying for a few seconds, the hamster crawled over the keyboard and moved the mouse immediately to open the porn sites that Luke frequented. Luke felt his knees tremble at the sight of his pet quickly and accurately processing downloads for him.

“It’s just a shame that I’m not able to make money off this discovery. After all, the only thing that this says to the world is that I download so much porn that my pet had actually adapted the skill to do so.”

A lot of the luminaries in the field of animal behavior tend to disagree with Luke’s previous statement. Noted animal psychologist Dr. Erving Nuts in particular would love to examine Nicole’s behavior. ”Regardless of what the owner has been preoccupied with that led to Nicole’s amazing discovery, this is definitely an amazing breakthrough. Imagine what the government can do with hyper-intelligent hamsters that could operate machinery as complex as computers. Imagine what else we could possibly teach these creatures? We could even send them into space!”

Currently, Luke has not yet answered any invitation from Dr. Nuts to examine his furry friend.

My name is Earnest, and I have a weird relationship with my porn. Let me start off by establishing that I am not a pervert. I enjoy porn in what I believe to be the adequate amount people should be enjoying porn. But, my porn collection has taken a life of its own, and my perception of that box of DVDs in the closet has changed forever.

I just turned thirty last week. While other people my age have mostly either celebrated or mourned their thirtieth day of birth with important loved ones, I went another direction. I broke convention, opting to stay in my apartment, alone, with nothing but the sounds of the city to accompany me. The perils of dating, falling in love with, and getting dumped by a porn star I guess.

She was an aspiring actress trying to make it big, and I was a guy that was too stupid to get out of the way. I met her during one of my early attempts at amateur adult film making. The moment she walked into my “studio”, which just happens to be my empty apartment, I knew there was something special about her. She was different from the other girls who just wanted to score some blow money. She was one of those girls who you knew for a fact was destined to shine brighter than the rest of us. She had a little Hepburn in her, and even while I was shooting her doing a lesbian sex scene with some crack whore I couldn’t even remember, her image never diminished in my mind.

We lived together for five years. Those were the good years. Of course, I still kept making her movies. But I never let another man touch her. I wanted to contain her in my world, and tried my best to replicate a glamorous life that she so richly deserved. But my meager efforts failed to provide her that.

So I sit now, debating internally as to whether or not I should watch that box full of porn or just throw it all away. The day she walked out on me for greener pastures I wanted to burn all those videos of her, but I couldn’t bring myself to. It remains my only connection to her. I keep freezing to the shot of her staring deep into my camera, with her Hepburn like eyes, speaking to me more than her mouth ever did.

There’s nothing that Superman and Batman can’t do together. And it doesn’t go beyond anyone’s imagination that the world’s finest duo can make the world’s finest porn. Slap a sex scene between these two and you instantly have the best porn ever. To those who have seen the straight-to-DVD animated feature film entitled Superman/Batman: Public Enemies”, the possibly could not escape them.

Public Enemies is an animated adaptation of the comic book storyline that pits Superman and Batman against a host of both superheroes and super villains under the employ of then US President Lex Luthor. The comic book story arc featured great action and amazing art. It even had narrative balloons that offer insight to Superman’s and Batman’s thoughts. This gives the reader a unique perspective on each hero’s mutual respect for each other. What’s amazing is that through these narratives, the two completely different characters are put on a parallel that makes anyone able to relate to that kind of friendship.

The animated movie however, with its limitations, was not able to convey their humanity. So what you get is ninety minutes of two muscular men in tights staring at each other and conveying their mutual respect in a manner that can easily be misinterpreted to be something else. This would definitely inspire everyone with nothing but homoerotic thoughts. Throughout the movie, you just wait for them to drop the posing and start making out. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Spoiler alert though, they don’t.

But of course, the movie just opens floodgates in one’s mind. There is just literally a hundred images wherein Batman and Superman getting it on that surface in one’s mind. With Superman’s seemingly limitless powers and Batman’s intellect and arsenal of gadgets, there is nothing these two are not capable of. From vibrating batarangs to cumshots that are faster than a speeding bullet, there is nothing that could possibly top a Superman and Batman porn movie. Unless of course they manage to convince Wonder Woman to do a threesome. That would be the be all and end all of porn scenes. But hell, why limit it to the big three? Get the entire Justice League in there for a full blown orgy! Just the thought of the Martian Manhunter and Plastic Man shape-shifting into different sexual devices is already worth watching. And what will Aquaman bring to the table?

While it is a generally accepted fact that people watch porn for the sex scenes, there is something that distinguishes which videos are distinctly better than the other. An anonymous porn expert declared that the secret to the best sex videos not just lie in the sex scenes and performers, but actually in how interesting the dialogue is. Such a statement has then evolved into a frequently discussed topic, and up until now, the debate rages on.

“It does have some bearing to it” said media analyst Charles Wang. “While visual stimuli do carry most of the impact to the recipient, it is the auditory stimuli that stick to one’s mind. That is why pop songs tend to get stuck in a person’s head regardless of an individual’s musical preference. And theaters and home theater system always boast superior sound systems as their selling point. It is what we hear that completes the experience, otherwise it would no longer be an audiovisual medium. Would you, in all honesty, enjoy a soundless porn movie? It’s doubtful. I know I won’t.”

Despite not being known for a medium with a glaring affinity for the written word, the porn medium does manage to come out with dialogue that is sufficient to achieve its intended purpose. “”Notice how every one has a favorite movie quote?” asked fight choreographer and film buff Enrique San Juan. “Dialogue from movies, porn or not, is exactly what you want to say whenever you’re faced in the situation. If I’m ever put in a typical porn situation, I can only hope that what comes out of my mouth is half as cool as what the actors say.”

If this is true, then how come no one can ever remember a line from any porn movie when asked to recite one? This is the main question that is raised by those who oppose this stand. These “purists” as they prefer to be called are against the new mentality of porn being described in the same breath as mainstream movies.

Whether or not dialogue is a truly pivotal aspect in the quality of adult videos, the fact that it is heavily discussed bodes well for the entire industry. With ideas such as these brewing, future generations can rest assured with the knowledge that the creative blood of porn will continue to flow.