Posts Tagged ‘adult films’

Tragedy Strikes As Porn Download Goes Awry

Wednesday, January 20th, 2010

A local computer shop nearly went under due to a porn download that quickly went south. Rob, one of the technicians on the shop, apparently got bored with his designated station in life that he decided to spice things up and use the shop’s resources to download a few adult videos. Since the shop owner and manager of the store, Garrison Lance, was completely ignorant about all things computer-related with the glaring exception of how to sell them, Rob was pretty much in the clear.

Downloading porn had become somewhat of a habit for Rob. He’d come in and wait for his boss to grab lunch. He then hit the net and fill his download queue with his favorite adult films. Since his boss always asks Rob to go on overtime, (something that Rob has truly come to despise) Rob had an opportunity to take the finished downloads and copy them to his own personal disk. Rob’s passive aggressive brand of rebellion has gone on for weeks. Rob was beginning to get drunk on his own power. He felt he was untouchable, and he took up the shenanigans another notch. With his own personal hard drive getting full of porn, he had to stash the new downloads somewhere until he managed to come up with enough money to buy a new hard rive with bigger memory. For all of Rob’s shortcomings, he had been very adamant against theft, so the thought of just stealing a hard drive from a computer shop that gets more than its fair share of shoplifters never occurred to him. He did not, however, have any qualms about “borrowing” items.

In the backroom of the store lay a box of hard disk drives that had been sitting there for months. Any hope that these items would be sold had long ago been destroyed. So Rob, trusted employee that he is, decided to store an adult movie or two in each of the drives, secure in the knowledge that nothing would ever happen.

As Rob was on his day off, Mr. Lance had a very novel idea to save the store form dwindling sales. The store had a very special sale wherein anyone who buys a computer gets a brand new free extra hard disk drive. Needless to say all of Rob’s secret stash had been disposed. Once Rob came back to work and discovered what happened, he nearly had a panic attack, but decided to remain silent. He thought that the people would not mind getting a free porn movie with their purchase.

He was right, or course. People did not mind the porn. What they did mind was purchasing something that was advertised as “new” only to find out that it was not the case. Rob is now unemployed and facing legal action.

“My Porn Rants” from Disgruntled Director

Sunday, December 20th, 2009

My porn is this, my porn is that. These are the familiar words that usually echo through the walls of the insane asylum in Denver. These words are screamed on a regular basis by one Desmond Buddy, a former small time porn director. Buddy’s story is a tale of ambition and how it drives most men mad.

Buddy was born and raised in Denver, Colorado. Ever since discovering the world of adult films in his teen years, Buddy knew exactly what he wanted to do for the rest of his life. He wanted above everything else to be able to direct porn movies for a living. Upon graduating high school, he hopped on a bus and headed to Los Angeles. With no formal education on film making, Buddy spent most of his days working as a waiter while reading film books in his free time. After saving enough money, he purchased his very first video camera. With the camera he made his very first porn movie, starring an aspiring actor and a prostitute.

He has done practice movies until he had assembled a demo reel impressive enough to land him an assistant director’s job at a small porn production company. Buddy worked hard at perfecting his craft. It wasn’t very long until he finally had his shot at his dream.

Once being given access to the director’s chair, Buddy set out to create a true, porn masterpiece. His film was supposed to be a porn movie set in the Victorian era, and Buddy did the best job he could with a meager budget. After production has wrapped, Buddy was only looking forward to a few days of post-production. He opted to edit his first film himself, and he wanted complete privacy.

Unfortunately, the film never saw the light of day. Buddy had reportedly snapped after viewing the first cut of the film. He was found by his assistant muttering about the world ending due to the movie he has made. Buddy was so scared that he had frantically deleted all the first cut files and destroyed all footage of the film. The obviously deranged director was taken into a mental institution soon after.

No one has ever been able to find out what was it about Buddy’s movie that drove the director to insanity. Interviews with Buddy have yielded nothing. Doctors say that Buddy has little hope of ever recovering.

Chaos Ensues Thanks To Adult Movie Fanatic

Friday, December 18th, 2009

The serene and solemn setting of a Sunday morning in church was broken by an adult movie fan who found it appropriate to argue with the priest regarding the validity of adult movies. The sermon centered about lust and touched on pornography, and the fan did not take the “offensive nature” of the priest’s homily kindly. The man, a 32-year old college professor named Bobby Lester, went on a tirade unseen before in the history of the church.

The incident began when the priest centered on adult films and the people who watched it. Lester, an avid follwer of the medium felt that the priest was being unnecessarily condescending towards the people who enjoy watching films of adult content. Lester brazenly stood up from the pew and decided questioning the priest’s sermon. The priest, of course, stood by his convictions and defended his stand against the irate Lester.

It did not take long before the two’s interaction caused a reaction among the other church goers. A massive debate has been ignited within minutes. The church was divided into three groups. On one side there were those who felt that the priest was being too harsh on the porn viewing community. On the other side were people who believed that Lester was way out of line in his decision to causing a scene in church. The rest of the people were on another side, with their camera phones out, taking videos of this rare event.

No one knew who threw the first punch. What began as a heated discussion between two individuals with opposing beliefs evolved in a brawl that saw Lester and the priest held by the authorities for interrogation. The police that arrived on the scene at first did not know how to diffuse the situation. Seeing a priest pounding Lester into brutal submission did not help matters either. A riot squad has been alerted, and the church goers dispersed. The scene was quite similar to an illegal street party crashed by the police. People scurried into their cars and drove away as fast as they could. Only Lester and the priest wer left. Both had sustained several minor injuries like cuts and bruises.

According to the reports, Lester has been officially banned from that particular church, while the priest was forgiven by his sect. The religious group even applauded the priest for defending he purity of his beliefs.

Teen Pornstar Releases Autobiographical Paperback

Saturday, November 28th, 2009

There is a flip side to everything and the world of pornography is no different. As a craft that is already by mere definition a scandalous one, there is a small voice amongst the porn brethren that is screaming to be heard. A book will be released written by a teen pornstar clears the smoke that separates her world from the rest of reality.

Using a pseudonym Anita, the young woman recounts her short but storied life in paperback. According to an interview, she hopes to shed light on the life on the fast lane. While there have been many that have attempted to expose the hidden side of porn, Anita only claims to want to educate the readers on how it is to be a young star of adult films. She reveals series of events that had led to her downfall. Anita exclaims that her story is not a tragic one, but a true tale of survival from a world that we have all created.

In her book, Anita discusses how a normal, healthy girl like her would wind up in a sleazy studio somewhere in LA. She recalls how many times she lay spread eagled on a bed while being touched by a strange man in ways that only a lover should be allowed to. She explains what sort of conditions would push a normal girl into a world where her very humanity gets stripped piece by piece with each passing second. Anita promises that her life is a true reflection of today’s society. She even illustrates how better off she once was before she set foot into the world of porn. She celebrates the irony she had encased herself in.

Anita aims to reveal the other side of the porn industry, and promises readers that the other side is not exactly what they imagine. Tentatively entitled Anita’s Anal Adventure and Other Dumb Sounding Shit, Anita is more than fully prepared to break barriers with her autobiography. She believes that there is a deep lesson one could learn from the pleasant surprises offered in the upcoming book. Anita wants to make everyone realize that outside of porn, life is all the more sleazier.

Found Vintage Adult Videos Up for Grabs!

Wednesday, November 4th, 2009

A few months ago, a wealthy resident from Beverly Hills made some rather unwise investments around the time the stock market crashed. The result of which was a repossession of all his earthly belongings. The resident, who will remain anonymous for propriety’s sake, was unable to reclaim his property as his last ditch attempt to score big with other investments failed. Because of this, everything he owned is now currently up for auction.

Now, this tale is a fairly common one especially during such a sad time in global economy. What makes this story interesting is the resident himself, who along with his other stuff, lost a very valuable collection.

It turns out the man is somewhat of a connoisseur of adult videos. His collection of classic and hard to find cult favorite porn titles is so vast that the bank is holding a very special auction for these movies. These films come in a variety of formats, from 16 and 8 mm reels to betamax, VHS tapes, and several laser disc copies.

The selection includes classics like the first release of Debbie Does Dallas and other classic porn, as well as first appearances of famous porn stars like Tera Patrick, Peter North, Jesse Jane, Tracy Lords, Ron Jeremy and many other legends in the industry.

The collection also spans the globe as well as genres. He has the best porn from every country and every niche ever made. This treasure chest of smut features everything from hardcore, softcore, all the way to gay porn and bondage.

The true gems of this impressive collection are the 8 mm and 16 mm tape reels that feature truly vintage adult films that were made in the 60s and earlier. When asked to comment about his collection, the resident seemed forlorn about losing a library that he had worked so hard to assemble. “People would call me a pervert just because I collect these” he said. “I just find it very amusing, and worth collecting. I’ve often been fascinated by porn, and I think of porn as a reflection of society, or the society it was forged from.”

“Watch the really old ones, you’d see girls parading around in their granny panties. Watch the Japanese porn tapes I have, and see how different their porn is compared to their Western counterparts. Porn is not just for perverse purpose.”

It is reported that a portion of the proceeds from the auction will go to the Foundation Against Sex Addicts.

Obscure Adult Movie Performer Likens Himself To X-Men’s Colossus

Monday, November 2nd, 2009

A proud member of the adult movie community, porn star Edwin Jackhammer wants to be a member of another band of societal outcasts: The X-Men.

Jackhammer is an up and coming male performer for adult films. The 19 year old stud grew up in Long Island, where he dreamed to one day conquer the world of adult films. Not very many of people know this, not even Jackhammer’s closest friends, but Jackhammer’s dream is actually inspired by a popular comic book character named Piotr Rasputin, recognized by millions as the X-man Colossus.

Colossus is a mutant, and in the realm of comic books, mutants are those who were born with special abilities. Because of this, they are generally considered to be freaks and are even viewed as a collective threat to mankind. Colossus is a Russian who can turn himself nto a being of pure steel. With his nearly invulnerable hide and extraordinary strength, Colossus was recruited by Professor Charles Xavier to aid him in his quest to achieve peace between mutants and humans. Jackhammer says that it’s this back story that he relates to.

“I rarely talk about it with my friends back home” says Jackhammer, who now resides in Los Angeles. “Whenever I compare what being a porn star truly is to what it must be like being a Russian mutant, my friends would just joke about comparing my penis to that of Colossus. But that wasn’t what I actually meant.”

A teary eyed jackhammer then details that mutants and porn stars are very much alike. Both were born with the same abilities or attributes that not many “normal” people have, and while both their exploits are closely followed, the general populace also views them as different from everyone else. “I relate more with Colossus, because most people who don’t follow the comics don’t realize that he’s actually a quiet, peace loving artist under that huge, hard exterior. He’s a painter, born in a time and place that’s torn by war. When I tell people what I do now for a living, they mostly forget that I am just another regular guy, with other interests and dimensions, and sometimes that makes me sad.”

Like Colossus, Edwin Jackhammer is another tortured soul that is the victim of society’s tendency to categorize individuals by appearance or title. It pains Jackhammer more that he’ll be playing a parody of his favorite hero in the upcoming XXX-men: The Penis Stands.

Purple Dinosaur Rumored To Have Full Length Porn Videos.

Monday, October 12th, 2009

He’s known worldwide for bringing a world of cheer to children everywhere, with his songs of love and education. This six foot tall marketing tool might be conquering the world of adult films with a series of full length porn videos for the benefit of those who have for the longest time aspired to see a purple dinosaur getting it on.

While no one has confirmed reports on the details of the project, there has been word going around that a major adult film production company is planning to make an epic saga trilogy a la Star Wars and it is rumored to star the icon. While it can be easily dismissed as a joke to throw off the press, the porn industry has not been any shy about displaying its propensity for coming out with the weirdest scenarios and parodies. From cult favorites to timeless cinema classics, no pop culture icon is safe from being turned into sleazy but fun material for the imaginative people of the porn industry. Why would characters from children’s shows be spared?

The aforementioned purple dinosaur, while still not named to be the subject of the rumored project, has been the butt of many jokes in other forms of media, for its overly saccharine quality that somehow children could not detect. The marketing machine pushing this trademarked monster has raked in millions of dollars despite, for many adults, not having a shred of intellectual or entertainment value whatsoever. A little girl who goes exploring or a street full of friendly puppets, even adults think all that is funny and precious. A purple dinosaur with an annoying voice and even more annoying presence? It’s only a wonder that the porn industry had not poked fun at such an obvious a target earlier.

The scale of the project though, and with its more unusual than usual premise, is what’s driving the rumors. Based form initial reactions, this is a project that audiences want to see come to fruition, if nothing else, for the novelty of witnessing how such a feat would be executed. Many are also curious about the backlash of such a project. With the potential of kids (and some less than liberal parents) would accidentally view this under the false assumption of it being the real deal, the ramifications of such a project would be priceless. The media set into a frenzy by a mere porn video would be considered by many as one hell of a publicity stunt.



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