The Porn Pay-Per-View Network

A local computer shop nearly went under due to a porn download that quickly went south. Rob, one of the technicians on the shop, apparently got bored with his designated station in life that he decided to spice things up and use the shop’s resources to download a few adult videos. Since the shop owner and manager of the store, Garrison Lance, was completely ignorant about all things computer-related with the glaring exception of how to sell them, Rob was pretty much in the clear.

Downloading porn had become somewhat of a habit for Rob. He’d come in and wait for his boss to grab lunch. He then hit the net and fill his download queue with his favorite adult films. Since his boss always asks Rob to go on overtime, (something that Rob has truly come to despise) Rob had an opportunity to take the finished downloads and copy them to his own personal disk. Rob’s passive aggressive brand of rebellion has gone on for weeks. Rob was beginning to get drunk on his own power. He felt he was untouchable, and he took up the shenanigans another notch. With his own personal hard drive getting full of porn, he had to stash the new downloads somewhere until he managed to come up with enough money to buy a new hard rive with bigger memory. For all of Rob’s shortcomings, he had been very adamant against theft, so the thought of just stealing a hard drive from a computer shop that gets more than its fair share of shoplifters never occurred to him. He did not, however, have any qualms about “borrowing” items.

In the backroom of the store lay a box of hard disk drives that had been sitting there for months. Any hope that these items would be sold had long ago been destroyed. So Rob, trusted employee that he is, decided to store an adult movie or two in each of the drives, secure in the knowledge that nothing would ever happen.

As Rob was on his day off, Mr. Lance had a very novel idea to save the store form dwindling sales. The store had a very special sale wherein anyone who buys a computer gets a brand new free extra hard disk drive. Needless to say all of Rob’s secret stash had been disposed. Once Rob came back to work and discovered what happened, he nearly had a panic attack, but decided to remain silent. He thought that the people would not mind getting a free porn movie with their purchase.

He was right, or course. People did not mind the porn. What they did mind was purchasing something that was advertised as “new” only to find out that it was not the case. Rob is now unemployed and facing legal action.

Somewhere, in a dark room, there is a meeting of powerful men. With nothing but an adult movie playing, the smoke filled chamber carries an atmosphere of intense reckoning. Once the movie is over, the man at the head of the table stood and finally spoke. His words are concise and to the point. The men he was conferring to would not have it any other way. And in a few short moments, a plan has been hatched. In a few short days, that plan would be executed.

The scene that was just described is an excerpt from the new underground literary masterpiece from 23 year old creative genius Matthew Stokes. His book, entitled “The Adult Movie Conspiracy”, is a riveting tale about a group of men who try to take over the world with the use of one porn video. This unpublished tale has many publishers abuzz, and its writer is flanked by offers. Stokes, surprisingly, is not quite ready to unleash his masterpiece on the printed paper.

“I just had a few of my book club friends read it” said Stokes. “As much as I loved their comments, both positive and negative, I think it still needs a bit of a tweak. There’s something still yet missing for me to be completely satisfied with my work.”

Stokes is a rather well known amateur writer, who has more than a dozen unfinished books under his belt. A literary teacher in a community college in the Midwest, Stokes is a truly gifted writer who just has trouble finishing what he starts. “Whenever a new idea comes into my mind, I often go ahead and start writing it immediately before the inspiration leaves me. That is why I’ve got a bunch of novels that I can no longer finish.”

It’s that touch and go enthusiasm that have destroyed the potential of thousands of other artists, but this does not bother Stokes one bit. “I don’t really care if I get published or not. As long as I’m writing, I’m happy. If people like what I read, then I’m happy. I don’t really feel the need to earn a living off the one thing I love most. Just doing it is enough of a fulfillment.”

Currently, “The Adult Movie Conspiracy” is turning a lot of heads, and the constant urging by peers may be enough for Stokes to try and actually finish the book.

It’s a classic story about the relationship between a man and his pet. Luke had had his pet hamster for several years before he discovered that his beloved pet can download porn videos. The hamster named Nicole has been extraordinarily special in Luke’s eyes, but he had no idea how special until the hamster was left free in front of Luke’s computer.

Luke had come from a party and had more than a few drinks in his system when he took out Nicole to play with. He passed out, and the hamster who had spent a long time watching her master download porn, sprung into action. The animal had instinctively developed the ability to find and download adult videos from Luke’s favorite sites. It’s like a sicker version of Alvin and the Chipmunks.

“Imagine my surprise when I woke up and saw my download queue was full of adult movies” said an astonished Luke. “I initially assumed that I was entirely too drunk to remember that I downloaded the movies. But when I checked the time the download started, I saw that it was well beyond the time I was sure I was unconscious. The only logical conclusion was Nicole.”

Luke put his theory to the test however, putting the animal in front of the computer and waited. After dilly dallying for a few seconds, the hamster crawled over the keyboard and moved the mouse immediately to open the porn sites that Luke frequented. Luke felt his knees tremble at the sight of his pet quickly and accurately processing downloads for him.

“It’s just a shame that I’m not able to make money off this discovery. After all, the only thing that this says to the world is that I download so much porn that my pet had actually adapted the skill to do so.”

A lot of the luminaries in the field of animal behavior tend to disagree with Luke’s previous statement. Noted animal psychologist Dr. Erving Nuts in particular would love to examine Nicole’s behavior. ”Regardless of what the owner has been preoccupied with that led to Nicole’s amazing discovery, this is definitely an amazing breakthrough. Imagine what the government can do with hyper-intelligent hamsters that could operate machinery as complex as computers. Imagine what else we could possibly teach these creatures? We could even send them into space!”

Currently, Luke has not yet answered any invitation from Dr. Nuts to examine his furry friend.

The act of watching porn has always been frowned upon by conservative parties for years. Now, they have managed to come up with a brand new reason to hate the universally beloved hobby. They are now claiming that porn and the habit of viewing it are the reasons many civilizations have been faced with nothing but doom.

Their claim is based on many signs of times that define today’s generation. They even have gone as far as to blame the economic downfall to watching adult movies and videos.

Rev. Alfred Brand has revealed many of this new mentality’s sources. “Back in the ancient times, many empires were doomed once they have fallen into decadence. The corruption of a public figure has always been linked to godlessness, and there are many cases wherein the only thing that could have stopped any recession was a solid moral stand. In time, when all the unfortunate things have all piled up on top of each other producing extraordinarily hard times, someone will be pointing that out. There will always be a group of people who would lay the blame on some fort of moral degeneracy.”

There are some key points that would reinforce the claim that porn could very well be responsible for pushing society closer into oblivion. The crash of the market can be indirectly tied in to the popularity of porn. While the majority of the world are becoming closer and closer into poverty, the porn industry still manages to thrive. This shows that more people are pouring their hard earned cash into the porn industry rather than into investments that could hopefully turn the economy around.

The corruption of political leaders can also be attributed — in no small part — to pornography. Porn has been blamed for the moral degradation of the youth for several decades now, and it would come to no surprise if those who grew up to be world leaders indulged in porn in their younger days.

The bottom line is that the act of indulging in porn produces less disciplined individuals. With a generally liberated society would possess neither the emotional and physical control needed to strive for a better future nor the strength of character required to see problems through. The problem is, though, that there are very few laws that would diminish the grip porn has on society.

“If any of these arguments hold at least some truth in them, then we are doomed Brand concluded.”

The serene and solemn setting of a Sunday morning in church was broken by an adult movie fan who found it appropriate to argue with the priest regarding the validity of adult movies. The sermon centered about lust and touched on pornography, and the fan did not take the “offensive nature” of the priest’s homily kindly. The man, a 32-year old college professor named Bobby Lester, went on a tirade unseen before in the history of the church.

The incident began when the priest centered on adult films and the people who watched it. Lester, an avid follwer of the medium felt that the priest was being unnecessarily condescending towards the people who enjoy watching films of adult content. Lester brazenly stood up from the pew and decided questioning the priest’s sermon. The priest, of course, stood by his convictions and defended his stand against the irate Lester.

It did not take long before the two’s interaction caused a reaction among the other church goers. A massive debate has been ignited within minutes. The church was divided into three groups. On one side there were those who felt that the priest was being too harsh on the porn viewing community. On the other side were people who believed that Lester was way out of line in his decision to causing a scene in church. The rest of the people were on another side, with their camera phones out, taking videos of this rare event.

No one knew who threw the first punch. What began as a heated discussion between two individuals with opposing beliefs evolved in a brawl that saw Lester and the priest held by the authorities for interrogation. The police that arrived on the scene at first did not know how to diffuse the situation. Seeing a priest pounding Lester into brutal submission did not help matters either. A riot squad has been alerted, and the church goers dispersed. The scene was quite similar to an illegal street party crashed by the police. People scurried into their cars and drove away as fast as they could. Only Lester and the priest wer left. Both had sustained several minor injuries like cuts and bruises.

According to the reports, Lester has been officially banned from that particular church, while the priest was forgiven by his sect. The religious group even applauded the priest for defending he purity of his beliefs.

Times are so hard that people have stopped giving to the less fortunate. A Cleveland-based charitable institution has found a way to solve that. Understanding the fact that people these days need at least some incentive before trying to reach into their pockets, the Cleveland Cares Foundation have decided to entice potential donors and volunteers with the ability to freely download porn videos.

Coordinating with a top porn website, a donation of a certain amount or rendering a specific amount of volunteer hours gives one access to the exclusive content provided for the CCF. While this is not the only incentive available to interested parties, t has become quickly the most popular and effective one. The founder of CCF, Ken Thurmgood, is very pleased. “The adult film industry is one thin that I’m grateful for. To tell you the truth, I never really expected to get more assistance from the porn industry than I do from the government. Shows all of us not to judge a person by the number of times their anatomy had been invaded by a foreign object.”

Things are also looking up for the volunteers who had been to CCF for a long time. “To be completely frank,” said Irma, a middle aged volunteer for CCF. “I was at first wary of their help. After all, what would the community say? Well, Mr. Thurmgood’s gut instincts tell him that it’s a right course of action.”

This decision by Thurmgood and his band of do-gooders have not been wet met with has seen more than its fair share of opposition. The CCF still remains undaunted n their cause. “Just because they do adult movies doesn’t mean that they can’t be contributing members of society.” Thumgood beams as he says these words. “And like I’ve said, they’ve done more for Cleveland’s less fortunate than most so-called morally superior individuals.”

The CCF has made it a point to shun all the righteous detractors from their cause, focusing only a results-based program t help the people of Cleveland Thurmgood and the rest of his people also hope that their actions inspire other non-government charitable institutions to take bolder steps to achieve their goals. “The world is becoming more and more competitive, and it’s hard for guys like us who just want to help out. If people would rather spend their money on porn, then basically that’s what we’re offering. With an extra dose of charity, of course.”

A proud member of the adult movie community, porn star Edwin Jackhammer wants to be a member of another band of societal outcasts: The X-Men.

Jackhammer is an up and coming male performer for adult films. The 19 year old stud grew up in Long Island, where he dreamed to one day conquer the world of adult films. Not very many of people know this, not even Jackhammer’s closest friends, but Jackhammer’s dream is actually inspired by a popular comic book character named Piotr Rasputin, recognized by millions as the X-man Colossus.

Colossus is a mutant, and in the realm of comic books, mutants are those who were born with special abilities. Because of this, they are generally considered to be freaks and are even viewed as a collective threat to mankind. Colossus is a Russian who can turn himself nto a being of pure steel. With his nearly invulnerable hide and extraordinary strength, Colossus was recruited by Professor Charles Xavier to aid him in his quest to achieve peace between mutants and humans. Jackhammer says that it’s this back story that he relates to.

“I rarely talk about it with my friends back home” says Jackhammer, who now resides in Los Angeles. “Whenever I compare what being a porn star truly is to what it must be like being a Russian mutant, my friends would just joke about comparing my penis to that of Colossus. But that wasn’t what I actually meant.”

A teary eyed jackhammer then details that mutants and porn stars are very much alike. Both were born with the same abilities or attributes that not many “normal” people have, and while both their exploits are closely followed, the general populace also views them as different from everyone else. “I relate more with Colossus, because most people who don’t follow the comics don’t realize that he’s actually a quiet, peace loving artist under that huge, hard exterior. He’s a painter, born in a time and place that’s torn by war. When I tell people what I do now for a living, they mostly forget that I am just another regular guy, with other interests and dimensions, and sometimes that makes me sad.”

Like Colossus, Edwin Jackhammer is another tortured soul that is the victim of society’s tendency to categorize individuals by appearance or title. It pains Jackhammer more that he’ll be playing a parody of his favorite hero in the upcoming XXX-men: The Penis Stands.

Watching porn movies has a lot of different effects to the viewer. Mostly it’s a stimulant, upon viewing you get caught up in the action that’s taking place in your screen. You wonder why shit like that never happened to you. A man from Hoboken uses the medium to create something different. He makes murals and portraits while viewing pornographic movies. The man, William, admits that porn movies have been his muse.

“It started when I was in college, or a little after that.” William admits. “It was hard to be a struggling artist in the big city. I don’t know how many odd jobs I held as I strove to make a living with my art. But I had gone to a dry spell. Nothing inspired me. My brush lay flaccid in my hand a lot, missing his muse.”

William claims that he had in his youth, never had any trouble with producing works of art. And with his mind cluttered with practical concerns William had opted to use that for a nice sketch comedy show or skit, perhaps even an angsty independent comic. Frustrated, he put on a porn movie in the VCR hoping he could at the very least work some of his stress off. What happened was something totally unexpected and something William absolutely loved.

While many would use different kind sof strokes while watching adult movies, William only had one, and that is the stroke of the brush. While viewing the said video, William found himself unnecessarily doodling. Once a particular scene was over, William realized that his doodle was one of the better doodles he had ever done. He tried experimenting, painting on canvas as he watched. What resulted was one of his critical successes, and financial, at the time.

“It was like magic you know, it was like someone was guiding my hand when those movies are playing. And it wasn’t ike my paintings took on a pornographic form. From some reason sex was the last thing on my mind while watching pornographic material.”

Indeed, William’s work rarely even includes the human form. From abstract impressionism to towering tributes to structures like the Great Wall of China, William creates art that was totally irrelevant to porn. “I must say, I love it. If I had known would have such an effect on me and my art, I would have been painting while watching since I was 16.”

HANSBOROUGH, AL – Green goo was splattered all over an Alabama household after extraterrestrials invaded a remote home near the Appalachian Mountains just yesterday. The aliens scoured the place but according to family members living in the house, the invaders had terminally succumbed to a bad allergic reaction to an adult movie being played in the living room.

Jabba Hogwatch, the matriarch of the house, was still shaken while recounting what had happened during that fateful night. “All of the family members were in the living room, watching porn and getting drunk. Then the door suddenly flew open and these disgusting looking aliens burst in. They were a bunch of red and brown balls of phlegm that floated on this flying metal plate. They somehow used a mind zapper on all of us because everyone couldn’t stand up to shoo them critters away!”

Jabba’s eldest son, Yoda Hogwatch, was not inebriated during the scene and corroborated on what his mother has said, “This might be something from a Hollywood movie, but this is true,” cries Yoda as policemen began questioning him. “Leia who’s five months pregnant tried to grab her shotgun, but my sister couldn’t seem to move properly from the sofa. I hadn’t drank yet anything then when the aliens arrived.”

The youngest, Han Hogwatch, revealed that while they all stared in horror at the faceless flying aliens, he felt that something was keeping the invaders from moving towards them. “The volume of “Debbie Does Malibu” was still high and the movie continued playing”, he recalls. Han remembers that they were watching the group sex scene when the aliens arrived. The sound and the images seem to violently agitate the aliens that they never got to reach any family member and do what they were planning to do. Han said, “the aliens began to shake uncontrollably, like they were excited by what we were watching. Their red and green bodies began to to turn a pale blue. It felt like they were, you know, cumming. And before you know it, they exploded like a water balloon did. It was awfully strange.”

The Hogwatches immediately called 911 and it took almost an hour before the police arrived. The authorities came and found the living room completely slimed. “It was like that goo from Nickelodeon but it smelled like fart”, says one police officer. The Hogwatches tried washing the goo off but it sticks like snot.

The FBI is called in to investigate while the local police tried to track down where the aliens may have come from. No definite leads yet have been announced.