The Porn Pay-Per-View Network

It’s a classic story about the relationship between a man and his pet. Luke had had his pet hamster for several years before he discovered that his beloved pet can download porn videos. The hamster named Nicole has been extraordinarily special in Luke’s eyes, but he had no idea how special until the hamster was left free in front of Luke’s computer.

Luke had come from a party and had more than a few drinks in his system when he took out Nicole to play with. He passed out, and the hamster who had spent a long time watching her master download porn, sprung into action. The animal had instinctively developed the ability to find and download adult videos from Luke’s favorite sites. It’s like a sicker version of Alvin and the Chipmunks.

“Imagine my surprise when I woke up and saw my download queue was full of adult movies” said an astonished Luke. “I initially assumed that I was entirely too drunk to remember that I downloaded the movies. But when I checked the time the download started, I saw that it was well beyond the time I was sure I was unconscious. The only logical conclusion was Nicole.”

Luke put his theory to the test however, putting the animal in front of the computer and waited. After dilly dallying for a few seconds, the hamster crawled over the keyboard and moved the mouse immediately to open the porn sites that Luke frequented. Luke felt his knees tremble at the sight of his pet quickly and accurately processing downloads for him.

“It’s just a shame that I’m not able to make money off this discovery. After all, the only thing that this says to the world is that I download so much porn that my pet had actually adapted the skill to do so.”

A lot of the luminaries in the field of animal behavior tend to disagree with Luke’s previous statement. Noted animal psychologist Dr. Erving Nuts in particular would love to examine Nicole’s behavior. ”Regardless of what the owner has been preoccupied with that led to Nicole’s amazing discovery, this is definitely an amazing breakthrough. Imagine what the government can do with hyper-intelligent hamsters that could operate machinery as complex as computers. Imagine what else we could possibly teach these creatures? We could even send them into space!”

Currently, Luke has not yet answered any invitation from Dr. Nuts to examine his furry friend.

Robert and Doris happens to be a unique couple, so it did not come as no surprise to their friends of their unorthodox circumstances to their engagement. It was all thanks to an adult video on demand. Their story is as sweet as it is rather disturbing.

Robert and Doris have been living together for two years. They have always been very much in love with one another. However, there was one thing that always got Doris’ goat. Doris always hated the fact that Robert was constantly watching porn movies online. Every single time that Doris would turn her back, Robert would be on the computer digging up the sickest, vilest porn he could find. He never made an effort to hide it too. To his credit, Robert felt there was nothing to be ashamed about in liking porn.

Doris then tried to shame her man by talking about what she refers to as “his filthy habit” in front of their friends. This did not deter the porn loving Robert. In fact, he mistakenly took it as a sign of acceptance. One day, Doris decided to take a more aggressive action against Robert’s hobby. Every time she would catch Robert in the act, she would watch alongside him, doing off color annotations of the things he was watching. She would make jokes about the videos, even teasing him to pleasure himself. All the time Doris was hoping that her comments and jokes would discourage Robert from his constant porn patronage.

Robert, however, had a surprise for her that she would never, ever forget. Unbeknownst to his lady love, Robert had made phone calls and sent emails to the developers of his favorite porn sites. He had made arrangements for them to create a very special video for her. When he received a favorable reply, Robert set his master plan into motion.

On one Saturday evening, Doris came home to find Robert once again watching online porn videos. True to form, she sat down beside him, making her usual sarcastic comments. The video featured a man and a woman having sex, and Robert did not make a sound all through out the video. Once the performers were done with coitus, both looked at the camera and held up a sign that said “If you agree to marry me, Doris, I’ll keep the porn to a minimum”. Doris turned to see Robert with a ring in hand.

They are now happily married and enjoying porn together.

Back in the Nineties, the beloved Disney animated movie The Lion King was the subject of much controversy. There is a scene in the movie where Simba, the lead character, slumped down on a patch of flowers in disappointment after a harsh conversation with his father’s ghost. This caused the petals to float in the air. For a split second, the petals formed the word “sex”. To make matters worse, it was a child who noticed this. The scandalous situation had cost Disney a lot of money and the entire industry of animation now have been under close scrutiny. Now, more than a decade later, Disney is striking back through the world’s top porn sites.

In many of the online porn videos, the existence of “hidden Mickeys” has been discovered. To those who are not aware, “hidden Mickeys” are the Mickey Mouse logos that Disney usually litters its TV shows and movies with. They challenge the fans to find these cleverly hidden marketing tools. Now subtly visible in porn, these “hidden Mickeys” threaten to do more than just amuse people. It could potentially ruin the entire porn industry.

In an ironic twist, it was a balding, middle aged man by the name of Bob Samson noticed Disney’s subtle revenge scheme. What makes it ironic is that Samson is the distant cousin of the kid who saw the word “sex” in the Lion King, Samson finds Disney’s “hidden Mickey” attack on porn to be very distasteful. “Who the hell wants to think about Mickey Mouse when watching porn? If you ask me, that sort of thing is nothing short of evil, man.”

No one from Walt Disney offered to comment on the situation, but the general consensus among those within the porn industry is that Disney has crossed the line. Adult film star Balls E. Normous thinks that this could be a danger to his livelihood. “It’s all subliminal advertising, yo. Like indoctrination. The more people watch those ‘Mickeyed’ up videos, pretty soon they’ll be watching cartoons instead of my movies!”

If what Normous believes to be true, are there steps being taken to avoid a decline in the number of porn viewers? Normous remains peeved and troubled about the possibility.. “If this fucks up my business, I’m personally heading down to Disneyworld and give each and everyone of them a different kind og ‘hidden Mickey’”.

For many decades, campaigns to thwart the tobacco industry have been done to lessen the use and harm of their highly addictive product. Over the past several years however, adult porn sites have slowly risen to a point that it is becoming more addictive than nicotine. A recent study conducted by a bunch of researchers from a California university confirms this.

There are several problems in comparing porn and cigarettes. First, cigarettes are cheaper and readily available everywhere. There are more people who smoke cigarettes than they view adult porn sites. However, since porn sites do not generally slowly kill people, non-smoking porn lovers tend to enjoy porn sites for a longer period of time.

Since there are no immediate physiological effects in watching porn, it is very rare that a person would go on a “porn site hiatus”. Cigarette smokers on average tend to temporarily kick the habit once plagued by effects of nicotine such as a sore throat.

Addiction expert Dr. Philip Rassmusstin offered his take on the subject. “Porn sites are more addictive because many people don’t even know that they’re addicted to viewing them. Cigarette smoking is generally perceived as an addictive vice. With that as a given, people smoke under the predetermined notion that they are partaking something that’s addictive. Most of the times, that helps them moderate the habit. With porn, it’s very different, mainly because people already have lowered their guards down upon visiting a particular porn site. This in essence makes them all the more vulnerable to porn addiction.”

With such a unique perspective on porn addiction, Rassmusstin is hard pressed when it comes to suggesting a means of avoiding addiction. “The only thing I can think of is that people should just go cold turkey with porn sites.”

If it is proven that porn sites are indeed more addictive than cigarettes, should there be action taken to discourage people from visiting these sites? “I don’t think there’s anything that can be done about it. Like cigarettes, porn is a problem that we all have to live with. I myself have embraced the addiction, and that is indeed the first step.”

The negative effects of adult porn sites have yet to be fully determined. The researchers are currently trying to determine if these sites are a new problem to be faced or possibly a healthier alternative to smoking.

If you were to ask supernatural expert Bruce Hexler, he would tell that there is a general unrest in the spirit world. He also claims that there is something evil on the rise, and it is rooted in the best pay porn sites on the Internet. Hexler encourages everyone to switch to free porn sites instead.

“This is not a morality thing” according to Hexler when he was accused of being anti-porn. “I have a firm grasp of my own sexuality and respect the physical and emotional needs of others. I would be a hypocrite if I discourage people from enjoying any form of adult content. All I’m saying is that there are certain porn sites that I have sensed to be carrying evil intentions rather than the exploitation of the flesh.”

Hexler is well-known in the supernatural community since the legendary Peoria exorcism back in 1998. Since then, many people from the Western and Mid-state areas of the United States have sought Hexler’s advice on all paranormal matters. Hexler has been making tours in several local libraries and book stores in an attempt to open up many people’s eyes. His recent campaign, however, has been focused on getting people to stop patronizing pay porn sites.

“I have sensed a great many things wrong in cyberspace. These sites, there is something terribly wrong with them. I still am not able to pinpoint which sites exactly are sending out these negative energies, but what I have noticed that they are all coming from paid sites. I believe these energies keep people bound to their computers, spending their money on relatively meaningless things. These energies develop addictions, and it’s a slow death of the human soul. I implore everyone that if you cannot avoid porn, at least avoid certain sites!”

Hexler firmly believes that the demons at work behind these sites are targeting the lonely individuals’ souls. In fact, the vigilant spiritualist is already in the process of assembling a team to stop the evil from spreading further. “I only pray that I am not too late. There are literally hundreds of sites to sift through, and the materials I have are limited at most. I have been contacting some of my former colleagues from the previous cases I have worked on, and a few from the IT industry. We will fight this evil, I swear it!”

(Note: The names of the people involved in this story have been changed in order to protect their privacy.) Everybody has had to deal with an overprotective brother when trying to date a girl. Twenty three year old Jeremy barely survived an epic ass kicking from the borderline insane sibling of the girl he loves. He would have been lying in a hospital now, in a coma, had it not been for some adult video on demand.

Jeremy met Clarisse in school that semester, and they got along perfectly. Jeremy knew that there was no other person in the world for him, and he worked up the courage to ask her out on a date. Jeremy, unfortunately, was one of the rare people who knew why Clarisse, an attractive and smart twenty two year old girl had remained single all her life. Her brother Beau, a huge guy with a very short fuse, had driven away any boy who has ever dared to ask Clarisse out, sometimes in a violent fashion. Jeremy nearly found that fact out first hand, had it not been for a very familiar common interest.

Beau it turned out was a very big fan of adult websites and frequented them as often as possible. Though he never really could afford membership and his parents, what with their iron clad morals, would disown him if they discovered that their baby boy had discovered such worldly pursuits. Jeremy, on the other hand, was not a big fan of these adult websites, but he was a huge computer whiz.

Upon learning of his supposed significant other’s rather porn inclined sibling, Jeremy decided to spring into action. He was cracking codes and downloading passwords and doing what hackers do best. While Jeremy was totally against such a course of action, for him, there seemed to be no other option left. The moment was at hand.

He knocked on his lady love’s door, and surely enough, Beau opened and stood by the doorway, fists clenched and ready to rumble. With a shaking hand, he gave the ape like brother a piece of paper, containing usernames and passwords to tall his favorite porn sites. Beau’s face lit up like a Christmas tree.

It’s been several months now, and Beau and Jeremy had gotten to be good friends, and Jeremy’s relationship with Clarisse is heading into the right direction. The moral of the story, you ask? Never underestimate the uniting powers of porn.

Ross is a college freshman from Columbus, Ohio who has convinced himself that his life now hangs in the balance, and salvation lies only in the creation of the world’s best porn site. It started when he was in high school, as reported by his friends and family. Ross, a self confessed techie, is the type of guy who would spend hours upon hours playing World of Warcraft, totally shunning himself from human interaction. At least the traditional kind of human interaction.

But, as he hit college, he had made an online friend who also attended the same community college that he was in. It was the perfect friend for him, they enjoyed the same things and shared a mutual distrust and disillusionment with the rest of the human population. That distrust was solidified when Ross saw his friend get picked on and ultimately beat up by a bunch of jocks who claimed a severe dislike for their unconventional way of living.

Guilt ridden for not being able to do anything to help out his friend, Ross has now made it his quest to pay tribute to not just his friend, but to everyone like him, those who choose to live in a world of pure escapism, because the real world is just downright ugly. The best way, Ross has deduced, to do this was to create a porn site that would connect all geeks like him.

“It is technically a porn site, but it’s more than that” Ross said in a recent interview for his school paper. “For people like me, this is the closest thing to intimacy that we can get. The movies may contradict this, but a lot of guys like me actually prefer this over the real thing. Guys like me, we’re very misunderstood, and a lot of times misrepresented. Is doing what makes us happy really unhealthy? Just because we don’t follow with certain expectations from society, we suddenly have a problem? I’m confused.”

A lot of people have slowly started showing support for Ross, thinking his cause is a noble one. But how will Ross accumulate such a large amount of porn that he can put in the website? “I have sources. I have people who believe in what I do, who know how I feel.”

Currently, Ross is steadily building up a strong support bas

In an effort to to separate the top quality porn from its lesser counterparts, the Global Porn Council (GPC) has declared that it would launch a standard of quality certification for all of porn, starting with the world’s top porn sites. The main objective of this project is to ensure that the consumer has a clear idea of what to expect before subscribing or becoming a member to any particular website.

The head of the GPC, Jack “Thunderballs” Spears explains the rationale behind the GPC’s rather unusual project. “It’s not really unusual at all. We have the Better Business Bureau and other organizations whose purpose is to watch out for the consumers’ interest. That is one of the lesser known functions of the GPC. This is our way of ensuring the longevity of the porn industry by taking care of our audience.”

“Imagine subscribing to a pay site that has a great tour but when you actually start paying you discover that it’s shit. True, you can just cancel membership at any time, but it would still be a waste of time and money. The GPC grading certificates would let our clientele know what they can expect for their hard earned bucks.”

Several questions have been raised regarding the process of grading and the integrity of some of the judgments in quality the GPC would be doing. Spears assures the people that the grading system would be completely objective with the criteria completely laid out. Also, to ensure the accuracy of a certain sites grade, each website would have to go through examination from three different sets of board members. The websites have to pass all three board reviews iin order to garner a perfect score.

Currently, the criteria for judging are still being determined by the head honchos of the GPC. Despite being the industry’s leading experts, the GPC is still doing extensive research as to what does qualify as a top notch porn site. Spears adds, “Taking into consideration the numerous genres of porn, and the different fan bases these sites have, this would take some time. We are aiming for the highest possible level of accuracy with our reviews, so we’re definitely taking into consideration the dedicated fans of each and every genre. Further analysis is still definitely required. But, we do plan on finishing up and implementing the grading come March of next year. There is just no way we’re doing this half-assed.”

A quiet afternoon was torn asunder by a riveting hostage crisis taking place in the normally peaceful town of Cleveland, Ohio. A middle aged unemployed man by the name of Henry Laughlin had snapped one morning and decided to hold two kids hostage in his rundown apartment. Miraculously, no one was hurt, and it was all thanks to the unlikely assist of online porn movies.

Laughlin had taken two of his neighbor’s kids, who he always had a friendly relationship with, hostage as he was screaming “bloody murder in the skies”. Laughlin, a former research assistant at the University of Cleveland was laid off a few months ago due to budget cuts and had been spending an “inordinate” amount of time watching the heavens with his telescope.

“That bastard threatened my kids” said the father Frank Robbins. “We’ve known him for years, treated him as one of our own, but I tell you, I’m gonna kill him the next time I see him!”

Other neighbors claim that Laughlin had never been more than docile. Even after losing his job a few weeks back, neighbors and other friends claim that Laughlin’s behavior never veered towards violence or did he display any form of depression or anxiety.

The day he took his neighbor’s kids hostage, Laughlin never offered any demands nor did he harm the children. The kids had revealed that all the while they had never felt threatened despite the fat that the hostage taker was wielding a gun. All the while, the suspect had just left the children to play with the computer, warning them to not set foot outside the apartment.

“He was very nice,” claimed Sheila, the seven year old hostage. “He said it wasn’t safe outside, and he was protecting us, and it was too late for daddy, who was already turned into an asshole.”

The situation was laid to rest when the SWAT team finally took down Laughlin. Laughlin lowered his guard after one of the hostages accidentally discovered a porn site, and was watching a porn video. Once the members of the SWAT team burst into the door Laughlin, did not bother putting up a fight.

In a chilling interview with the suspect, Laughlin reveals his newly developed dementia. “It’s all coming to an end. It’s an asshole epidemic. Everyone! Turning into assholes! Assholes I tell you! It’s in the sky! Look at the sky!”

At that point Laughlin had wet himself and let out a long and very maniacal laugh.